four • [video]

[tongue3y3s]

[Whenever Terezi and Sollux recede from the limelight, everyone should start to get worried. That means they're plotting, and everyone should be very, very afraid of what they could be plotting. And they've put some effort into this one. Not a lot, but a substantial amount, for a large joke.

The video opens with Terezi and Sollux perched on stools, coffee mugs in hand, clad in slacks and the ugliest sweaters imaginable, shit-eating grins plastered on their faces.

Terezi bursts into laughter the moment the feed goes live, and flaps a hand at Sollux, wheezing through her teeth.] You start, [she orders between her cackles,] This was your idea, Appleberry. [Still snickering, she lifts her mug to her mouth and tries to pokerface, and instead almost ends up aspirating coffee when she laughs halfway through a sip.]

Don't make excutheth for being a lazy athh, it'th not fooling anybody. [But he holds his mug up in mock salute, all his fangs on display.] Good day, Athgard. Ath you know, the godth have a terrible tendency to be indecithive fuckwadth, and tho we end up theeing the thame people, over and over and over. And we'll thay it becauthe you're too thtuffy to even admit it to yourthelf- thome verthionth thick more than otherth. Which got uth to thinking-

It's important to have a frame of reference, you see. To answer the really hard-hitting questions. Such as, which trolls suck the most! And the least, of course! [She shares a conspiratorial smirk with Sollux.] That way, everyone knows who they should avoid on sight and who are the gods of troll sexiness and should be smothered with adoration. [And then she bursts into another fit of laughter.]

By popular opinion, Athgard'th hottetht troll ith TZ here, with mythelf thitting pretty at number two. We agreed Kanaya thhould get number three, becauthe let'th be real, it'th KN, thhe trieth tho hard without even needing to.

[Asgard's hottest troll is hiding laughter behind her coffee mug. Meanwhile, Sollux hasn't even cracked a smile.] Yes, Sollux, thank you. Next time you feel the need to pay tribute to a god, instead consider paying tribute to Kanaya for blessing your unworthy hides with her existence!

Anyway, the fourth hottest troll is Nepeta, for obvious reasons.

Fifth ith Aradia, altho for obviouth reathonth, and Feferi cometh next even though thhe'th not here becauthe we can't leave her out, and thhe would be number 1 if thhe wath. But in abthentia thhe'th thtill way more hot than everyone elthe.

Excuse you, Sollux, number two. You can void your position if you want; I made no such volunteer!

It'th called backthtabbing. Finithh the litht, bitch.

[Terezi wields her half empty coffee mug threateningly.] Don't compel me to make you cry on camera, Captor. I'll do it and all of Asgard will see you. [Lowering the mug, Terezi clears her throat and sips her coffee in some approximation of civility.] Anyway. The next person on the list is, uh--

...

[Fidgeting, Terezi gulps down the remainder of her mug and carelessly tosses it in Sollux's lap. She hops off her stool and scuttles off screen, then returns holding a piece of chalk-scribbled paper in her hand, and also missing her sweater and sporting some righteously messed up hair.] ... Ahem. [She stares at the list like she can actually see it.]

[Sollux rolls his eyes. This is less obvious than it might be, because they are just as bland as hers, but try to imagine it if you can.] Jutht get a grip and get it over with, thith ith taking too long.

Hey, fuck you. Next on our list is seven, which has been reluctantly assigned to... Karkat.

[More eye-rolling.] Then Equiuth then Eridan. Thith concludeth our public thervice announcement, brought to you by boredom. Tune in next month when we thtart rating the humanth on thomething, probably how obnoxiouth they are.

[Terezi thwaps him with the list, which is now rolled up and weaponized.] That's a stupid ending, Sollux! You rushed it and it isn't funny anymore.

Yeah well you had an emotional breakdown on camera, it wath pretty much unsalvageable from that point on.

I did not!

Yeah, you did. We're done here. [With that he reaches to turn the feed off, but instead is knocked off screen by Terezi, who springs straight off the top of her stool and tackles him, linebacker style. Coffee splashes everywhere. There's a muffled shout of indignation and the feed goes dead.]

Comments

action;

[biifurcatiion]

[IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE TACKLES HIM BECAUSE HE WON, HE KEPT HIS COMPOSURE AND DID HIS JOB.

This moral principle is hard to hold onto from the floor, though.]

Don't be jealouth jutht becauthe I'm not an emotional wreck about KK like you. I can even thay hith name without tearing up, ithn't it fantathtic?

[He doesn't actually know what the problem is, just that he should be an asshole about it.]

action;

[tongue3y3s]

[She has just enough time to be legitimately shocked before she punches him in the goddamn mouth. She doesn't realize she's hissing until she smells blood.

What is with her friends shitting on all her buttons lately?]

[mcfussyfangs]

Dont Be Ridiculous
What Would I Even Do With Tributes And Worship

[Though it is nice that her beauty is recognized by someone who isn't her mother.]

[tongue3y3s]

1M SUR3 YOUD F1GUR3 SOM3TH1NG OUT >;]

[biifurcatiion]

2pend your liife recliiniing on a piile of biitche2.

and I will do this too because why not

[scarygirl]

From experience, most gods without pressing duties do whatever they want.

[Text]

[lethechained]

[You know, it's basically impossible for to get through this without laughing - at least at the first part - or wincing, considering her moirail just got tackled. She can't, however, say he has never deserved it. All the same, it is pretty much her duty to,]

Are you okay?

[Technically at Sollux but who knows, there may have been collateral damage.]

[Text]

[biifurcatiion]

fuck ye2.
tavro2 could hiit harder.
ii may not even lii2p for awhiile, wouldnt that be fanta2tiic.

[text]

[nukeoleptic]

hahaha
that is really cute, guys

[tongue3y3s]

1TS 4 V3RY S3R1OUS SC13NT1F1C STUDY 1LL H4V3 YOU KNOW!!!!! >:]

[text]

[biifurcatiion]

that ii2 really "geniiu2" guy2.
fiixed that for you.

[tipsygnostalgia]

You should do the hottest human list too. Also Eridan can be kinda cute at times.

[tongue3y3s]

3W NO
3R1D4N 1S TH3 WORST
TH3 HOTT3ST TROLLS H4V3 SPOK3N
*GC B4NGS G4V3L*

[fishdouche]

Thank you, Rox. At least someone appreciates my fuckin' looks.

[He's not pouting. Not at all... okay, maybe just a lot.]

[biifurcatiion]

ii wiill put you down iin la2t place for next tiime.

[bestestfurrend]

:33 < *ac just covers her face and purrtends she doesnt know you two*
:33 < what are you doing?!

[biifurcatiion]

what2 that 2uppo2ed two mean.
ii thought iit wa2 really obviiou2 what we were doiing.

Audio

[samantha_grey]

Well, these polls are clearly biased. I don't care how much of a tool he is most days, Eridan's not dead last on the list. That goes to your glorious empress.

[snort]

Oh, and Vriska's around again, you know. She's at least better looking than the one with sunglasses that sweats like a maniac.

Audio

[biifurcatiion]

Factually inaccurate. Genocidal maniac thee might be, and loathe ath I am to admit it, the Condethce ith a fucking babe. Tho much junk in that trunk, withh FF would come back.

And when thhe thhowth up, I can tell her to go fuck herthelf, and not give a damn that I excluded her.

[alternia_strength]

...
...

You, clearly, have no taste. Aradia should be first and Nepeta a close second.

[Nope, not contesting his place. He's just glad he's over Equius, and frankly he already knows his muscular glory is not for everyone.]

[biifurcatiion]

I date the heirethh. I have all the tathte.

[tongue3y3s]

WH4T
OK4Y 1T W4S 4 TOSS UP B3TW33N N3P3T4 4ND 4R4D14 4DM1TT3DLY
BUT 3V3N YOUR SM3LLY SW34TY S3LF C4NNOT D3NY TH3 L1T3R4L R4D14NC3 OF K4N4Y4 >:]
1F YOU H4V3 4 PROBL3M W1TH OUR V3RY C4R3FULLY COMP1L3D L1ST YOUR3 W3LCOM3 TO M4K3 YOUR OWN

[kuramaless]

[WHATEVER ELSE YOU DID ISN'T IMPORTANT BECAUSE--]

Hey! You guys are grey!

[tongue3y3s]

Y3S
TROLLS H4V3 GR3Y SK1N
4ND W3 4R3 TROLLS
4ND YOU 4R3 OBV1OUSLY 4 HUM4N, SO YOU 4R3 P1NK
LOOK HOW 1 4M NOT ST4T1NG 1T L1K3 1TS SOM3 B1G R3V3L4T1ON >:]

[Video]

[fishdouche]

[Here, have a very enraged Eridan Ampora affecting a very intentional sense of nonchalance as he waves his hand dismissively at the screen.]

Wwhatevver. Evveryone knowws wwho's the hottest fuckin' thing in this place, an' I think wwe can all agree that it's the troll wwho has not one, but twwo functional quadrants filled.

[He will never stop rubbing that in everyone's faces.]

[Video]

[biifurcatiion]

There'th nothing worth bragging about in being a manwhore.