asgardeventide | four • [video]

[Whenever Terezi and Sollux recede from the limelight, everyone should start to get worried. That means they're plotting, and everyone should be very, very afraid of what they could be plotting. And they've put some effort into this one. Not a lot, but a substantial amount, for a large joke.

The video opens with Terezi and Sollux perched on stools, coffee mugs in hand, clad in slacks and the ugliest sweaters imaginable, shit-eating grins plastered on their faces.

Terezi bursts into laughter the moment the feed goes live, and flaps a hand at Sollux, wheezing through her teeth.] You start, [she orders between her cackles,] This was your idea, Appleberry. [Still snickering, she lifts her mug to her mouth and tries to pokerface, and instead almost ends up aspirating coffee when she laughs halfway through a sip.]

Don't make excutheth for being a lazy athh, it'th not fooling anybody. [But he holds his mug up in mock salute, all his fangs on display.] Good day, Athgard. Ath you know, the godth have a terrible tendency to be indecithive fuckwadth, and tho we end up theeing the thame people, over and over and over. And we'll thay it becauthe you're too thtuffy to even admit it to yourthelf- thome verthionth thick more than otherth. Which got uth to thinking-

It's important to have a frame of reference, you see. To answer the really hard-hitting questions. Such as, which trolls suck the most! And the least, of course! [She shares a conspiratorial smirk with Sollux.] That way, everyone knows who they should avoid on sight and who are the gods of troll sexiness and should be smothered with adoration. [And then she bursts into another fit of laughter.]

By popular opinion, Athgard'th hottetht troll ith TZ here, with mythelf thitting pretty at number two. We agreed Kanaya thhould get number three, becauthe let'th be real, it'th KN, thhe trieth tho hard without even needing to.

[Asgard's hottest troll is hiding laughter behind her coffee mug. Meanwhile, Sollux hasn't even cracked a smile.] Yes, Sollux, thank you. Next time you feel the need to pay tribute to a god, instead consider paying tribute to Kanaya for blessing your unworthy hides with her existence!

Anyway, the fourth hottest troll is Nepeta, for obvious reasons.

Fifth ith Aradia, altho for obviouth reathonth, and Feferi cometh next even though thhe'th not here becauthe we can't leave her out, and thhe would be number 1 if thhe wath. But in abthentia thhe'th thtill way more hot than everyone elthe.

Excuse you, Sollux, number two. You can void your position if you want; I made no such volunteer!

It'th called backthtabbing. Finithh the litht, bitch.

[Terezi wields her half empty coffee mug threateningly.] Don't compel me to make you cry on camera, Captor. I'll do it and all of Asgard will see you. [Lowering the mug, Terezi clears her throat and sips her coffee in some approximation of civility.] Anyway. The next person on the list is, uh--

...

[Fidgeting, Terezi gulps down the remainder of her mug and carelessly tosses it in Sollux's lap. She hops off her stool and scuttles off screen, then returns holding a piece of chalk-scribbled paper in her hand, and also missing her sweater and sporting some righteously messed up hair.] ... Ahem. [She stares at the list like she can actually see it.]

[Sollux rolls his eyes. This is less obvious than it might be, because they are just as bland as hers, but try to imagine it if you can.] Jutht get a grip and get it over with, thith ith taking too long.

Hey, fuck you. Next on our list is seven, which has been reluctantly assigned to... Karkat.

[More eye-rolling.] Then Equiuth then Eridan. Thith concludeth our public thervice announcement, brought to you by boredom. Tune in next month when we thtart rating the humanth on thomething, probably how obnoxiouth they are.

[Terezi thwaps him with the list, which is now rolled up and weaponized.] That's a stupid ending, Sollux! You rushed it and it isn't funny anymore.

Yeah well you had an emotional breakdown on camera, it wath pretty much unsalvageable from that point on.

I did not!

Yeah, you did. We're done here. [With that he reaches to turn the feed off, but instead is knocked off screen by Terezi, who springs straight off the top of her stool and tackles him, linebacker style. Coffee splashes everywhere. There's a muffled shout of indignation and the feed goes dead.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

you mean liike a normal per2on.

Yes.

But it would be strange because it would still be you.

[Wow, rude, Naminé. She means that in the most affectionate way possible, really she does.]

wow rude.
arent you 2uppo2ed two be 2upportiing me 2hould ii choo2e two per2ue 2omethiing liike normalcy and general 2tabiiliity.
2uch a2 2hakiing off the burden of a debiiliitatiing 2peech defect?

[He's mostly joking.]

Probably.

[Hah. Well, joking aside--]

Don't worry. I would. If that was what you wanted I'd be glad to see you pursue it. [... Pff.] But is it really that debilitating?

iit ii2 when iit come2 up liiterally every conver2atiion ii have wiith anybody ever, ye2.

Every conversation? I'm pretty sure we've had conversations where it didn't come up.

[Not a jab in the slightest, just calling him on his silliness. ... She's not going to continue that with a, 'Who am I, Nobody?' because that would just be messed up.]

ok iif you want two be really liiteral about iit iit2 only eiighty 2even percent of all conver2atiion iive ever had.
ii2 that better, ii2 that acceptable?

[Ah, moirail of hers.]

You would know the statistics better than I would.

[So yes, apparently.]

If that's the case I guess it wouldn't be surprising to want to change it.

hope that tz can hiit hard enough two knock my fang2 out then.

[-- Oh boy.]

That sounds a little drastic. Do you need me to come over there?

what.
no iim goiing two be fiine.

Okay. I just wanted to make sure.

[And that she doesn't have to come get her auspistice on, or something like that that she wouldn't even think of as such.]

It seems like you two have been having fun.

[Just... hopefully not the kind of fun that leads to someone bleeding, or anything like that.]

I'm glad.

yeah iit2 a bla2t.
dont worry ii'll 2tuff my no2e wiith tii22ue2 and clean up any blood we 2piill.

[-- Welp. It was nice up until the point that tackling got involved.]

Thank you. That's very polite of you.

[Fffff.]

Just remember you told me not to come. [Well--] I'll patch you up next time if you're still in bad shape. [Next time they see each other, that is.]

oh iim not goiing two forget my own dumba22ery.
but 2eriiou2ly iit2 fiine.
ii would tell you iif iit wa2nt really fiine, you know that, riight?

It's not dumb if you really don't need me there.

[Understanding as ever. She blinks at that last line, a little smile on her lips.]

I know. I trust you. [And, well,] You've proven it already.

[Whether it's a duty of moirallegiance or not,]

Have I ever told you how much I appreciate that?

no you havent.
but feel free two tell me a2 much a2 you want riight now, iif you want two.

[Well. Now he's just asking for it.]

It's so wonderful that you trust me enough to talk to me about things especially when they upset you. I know I'm not always the best at talking about everything but I'm honored that you're willing to put up with that and with me and that you can be honest with me. That you would let me help you makes me happy and I'm not sure if I even know the words to say how much it means to me that you listen.

[Embarrassed yet, Sollux--]

wow ii thiink you have a termiinal ca2e of the 2appy.
you miight want two get that looked at, ii hear iit can be a partiicularly unplea2ant way two go.

You asked me to speak my mind.

[Hee.]

It's a good thing I work at the hospital. I'll have to see what they can do for me if you think it's that serious.

maybe you need two ediit that part 2ometiime2.
con2iider the po22iibiiliity that you totally open your2elf up two beiing taken advantage of ju2t on priinciiple.
how do you know that2 not what2 goiing on here riight now? maybe ii have been 2cammiing you thii2 whole tiime two my eventual advantage.
and you dont need two worry, my no2e ii2nt even broken.
we are ok, really, ii know how two 2tuff tii22ue up my own no2triil2 and call iit a niight.

[Pause.]

[It's funny, how many contradictions there have been on that particular subject and from how many people. They want to speak her mind, but then when she does, they don't like it, for a variety of reasons. It's a bit confusing.]

[... But....]

You could say that I'm used to being taken advantage of.

[It's the truth, unfiltered, because he'd brought it up. It's a fear of hers that she might be used again, but... not that way.]

I know there have been times when I wasn't as aware of it as I should have been but

[How in the world is she supposed to phrase it?]

I've learned a lot from it. I like to think I've known you long enough to know that you're not like that. Maybe I'm wrong but there's nothing that you've ever asked from me that I didn't already want to help you with and there's nothing else that I can do here that would be worth going to so much trouble for.

[If she had her original powers, maybe, but--]

I trust you to be better than that.

[And benignly, as if that wasn't even just a Thing,]

Good.

four • [video]

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