four • [video]

[tongue3y3s]

[Whenever Terezi and Sollux recede from the limelight, everyone should start to get worried. That means they're plotting, and everyone should be very, very afraid of what they could be plotting. And they've put some effort into this one. Not a lot, but a substantial amount, for a large joke.

The video opens with Terezi and Sollux perched on stools, coffee mugs in hand, clad in slacks and the ugliest sweaters imaginable, shit-eating grins plastered on their faces.

Terezi bursts into laughter the moment the feed goes live, and flaps a hand at Sollux, wheezing through her teeth.] You start, [she orders between her cackles,] This was your idea, Appleberry. [Still snickering, she lifts her mug to her mouth and tries to pokerface, and instead almost ends up aspirating coffee when she laughs halfway through a sip.]

Don't make excutheth for being a lazy athh, it'th not fooling anybody. [But he holds his mug up in mock salute, all his fangs on display.] Good day, Athgard. Ath you know, the godth have a terrible tendency to be indecithive fuckwadth, and tho we end up theeing the thame people, over and over and over. And we'll thay it becauthe you're too thtuffy to even admit it to yourthelf- thome verthionth thick more than otherth. Which got uth to thinking-

It's important to have a frame of reference, you see. To answer the really hard-hitting questions. Such as, which trolls suck the most! And the least, of course! [She shares a conspiratorial smirk with Sollux.] That way, everyone knows who they should avoid on sight and who are the gods of troll sexiness and should be smothered with adoration. [And then she bursts into another fit of laughter.]

By popular opinion, Athgard'th hottetht troll ith TZ here, with mythelf thitting pretty at number two. We agreed Kanaya thhould get number three, becauthe let'th be real, it'th KN, thhe trieth tho hard without even needing to.

[Asgard's hottest troll is hiding laughter behind her coffee mug. Meanwhile, Sollux hasn't even cracked a smile.] Yes, Sollux, thank you. Next time you feel the need to pay tribute to a god, instead consider paying tribute to Kanaya for blessing your unworthy hides with her existence!

Anyway, the fourth hottest troll is Nepeta, for obvious reasons.

Fifth ith Aradia, altho for obviouth reathonth, and Feferi cometh next even though thhe'th not here becauthe we can't leave her out, and thhe would be number 1 if thhe wath. But in abthentia thhe'th thtill way more hot than everyone elthe.

Excuse you, Sollux, number two. You can void your position if you want; I made no such volunteer!

It'th called backthtabbing. Finithh the litht, bitch.

[Terezi wields her half empty coffee mug threateningly.] Don't compel me to make you cry on camera, Captor. I'll do it and all of Asgard will see you. [Lowering the mug, Terezi clears her throat and sips her coffee in some approximation of civility.] Anyway. The next person on the list is, uh--

...

[Fidgeting, Terezi gulps down the remainder of her mug and carelessly tosses it in Sollux's lap. She hops off her stool and scuttles off screen, then returns holding a piece of chalk-scribbled paper in her hand, and also missing her sweater and sporting some righteously messed up hair.] ... Ahem. [She stares at the list like she can actually see it.]

[Sollux rolls his eyes. This is less obvious than it might be, because they are just as bland as hers, but try to imagine it if you can.] Jutht get a grip and get it over with, thith ith taking too long.

Hey, fuck you. Next on our list is seven, which has been reluctantly assigned to... Karkat.

[More eye-rolling.] Then Equiuth then Eridan. Thith concludeth our public thervice announcement, brought to you by boredom. Tune in next month when we thtart rating the humanth on thomething, probably how obnoxiouth they are.

[Terezi thwaps him with the list, which is now rolled up and weaponized.] That's a stupid ending, Sollux! You rushed it and it isn't funny anymore.

Yeah well you had an emotional breakdown on camera, it wath pretty much unsalvageable from that point on.

I did not!

Yeah, you did. We're done here. [With that he reaches to turn the feed off, but instead is knocked off screen by Terezi, who springs straight off the top of her stool and tackles him, linebacker style. Coffee splashes everywhere. There's a muffled shout of indignation and the feed goes dead.]

Comments

[tongue3y3s]

YOU SM3LL 1MPOSS1BLY P1NK TO M3 >;]

[kuramaless]

[WEFHEJRBGELJRBG]

WHAT?! What the hell d'ya mean I smell pink! You ain't even here, I'm on the stupid bracelet thing and--

Who the hell are you anyway!?

[tongue3y3s]

M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 4SK3D TH4T B3FOR3 COM1NG 1N H3R3 4ND M4K1NG RUD3 COMM3NTS 4BOUT OUR SK1N COLOUR, HMMMM? >:]

[kuramaless]

Ah--

I just...

Hey look! The guys here said that we're supposed to be making people stop bein' grey. What was I s'posed to say?

[tongue3y3s]

W3LL 1M NOT 4N 3XP3RT ON SOC14L N1C3T13S
BUT YOU COULD H4V3 DROPP3D TH3 SUBJ3CT 4FT3R TH3 F1RST T1M3 W3 TOLD YOU W3 W3R3NT TH3 GR3Y P3OPL3 TH3Y W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT!!!!

[kuramaless]

I DID DROP IT!

You were the one akin' a massive deal out of it. I didn't know, alright so let's just drop it an' stuff, yeah?

[tongue3y3s]

4R3 YOU 4LW4YS TH1S H1GH STRUNG
JUST WONDER1NG

[kuramaless]

I ain't strung or anything. [Shut up.]

So you're not one of the grey guys. I got it. So...

[Yeah.]

[tongue3y3s]

YOU COULD 4SK M3 WHO 1 4CTU4LLY 4M
1F YOU L1K3 >;]

[kuramaless]

Ah--

[Whoa, okay.]

So, who are ya'ttebayo?

[tongue3y3s]

MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1!!! >8]
1M 4 TROLL 4ND 1M FROM 4 PL4N3T C4LL3D 4LT3RN14
1M 4LSO BL1ND! >:P
WHO 4R3 YOU

[kuramaless]

Er, right. That's a weird name.

[He can talk. :|]

I'm Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto.

[tongue3y3s]

H3H3H3
WH3R3 4R3 YOU FROM UZUM4K1 N4RUTO

[kuramaless]

Uh, well from this village, Konoha?

[tongue3y3s]

YOUR N4M3S SOUND 4 LOT L1K3 OUR N4M3S!

[kuramaless]

Y'think?

I guess, maybe?

[tongue3y3s]

4LL OF OUR N4M3S 4R3 S1X L3TT3RS LONG
B3C4US3
W3LL.....
1 DONT KNOW WHY 4CTU4LLY
TH3Y JUST 4R3

[kuramaless]

Oh.

I didn't notice--

Sasuke's name is... [WHOA.]

And Sakura! Kiba-- Ah, there ya go. Kiba's name's only got 4.

[tongue3y3s]

NO 1T TOT4LLY ST1LL WORKS!!!
B3C4US3 OUR HUM4NS 4LL H4V3 FOUR L3TT3R N4M3S
JADE
D4V3
DIRK
SEE? >:]

[kuramaless]

Oh-- whoa. Okay, just-- gimme a minute to--

Wait... No, I got this friend Ino? Then there's Shikamaru, an' Shino.

[tongue3y3s]

W3LL TH4T JUST M34NS YOU GUYS 4R3 4LLOW3D TO H4V3 OUTL13RS
BUT OUR CULTUR3 WOULD PROB4BLY CULL 4 TROLL WHO D1DNT H4V3 4 PROP3R N4M3 >:[

[kuramaless]

...

You'd kill someone 'cause their name ain't the right amount of letters?

[tongue3y3s]

NO NOT M3
TH3 CULL1NG DRON3S THOUGH Y3S PROB4BLY
4ND 4 H1GHBLOOD M1GHT 1F TH3Y M3T 4 LOWBLOOD W1TH 4N 4BNORM4L N4M3

[kuramaless]

It's-- just a name though.

You could just change it?

[tongue3y3s]

W3LL Y34H!
NOBODY H4S N4M3S L1K3 TH4T 4NYW4Y SO 1TS NOT 4 PROBL3M >:]