asgardeventide | 3; video/action

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3; video/action

[The feed opens up with a thud, the thud of someone's fist hitting the wall. And that would be what causes the bracelet activating at the same time.]

...you gotta be -- there's no way... [Some more, louder thuds as said someone goes into an unattractive temper tantrum.] I'll never-- I--

[Another thud and the bracelet deactivates without her having ever known it was on. But just a short while later, Yukari does intentionally make a video post. Because for some reason she feels it's chickening out on a text post. Her expression is cautious, neutral.]

...H-Hey. I know there's always a few of these messages, but... [y'all can suck it up] Minato-kun's gone... again, I guess. [She takes a breath, carefully concealing a catch in her throat.]

I... don't need to hear anyone feel sorry for me, okay? [Wait, why did she even say that? She regrets it immediately; nothing good can come of it. She either looks like a defensive idiot or alienates her friends, and either way looks totally self-obsessed, because obviously not everyone knows that they're -- Whatever. She's just rambling now... better get off this quickly.] I mean... Sorry, it's not that I wouldn't--ya know--appreciate that, but... [She waves a hand.] Just--Just don't want to hear that again. That's it.

[Ooookay. Still kind of a disaster. But that's as good as she can probably do right now, right?

She cuts the feed and then leaves Freya House to go wander the district and make her way gradually around, through Sigyn and back, just walking to cool off.]

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Well, I helped with getting the materials together and working on the medicine. But, really, it was the doctors who pulled the big work off in the end. I don't like taking the credit on it, but I was glad to help.

These days, I've been working on herbs a lot. [She took another gulp of her cooler.] Work keeps me from thinking about other things as much, and there's still a few other things to keep me busy, like some idiots and other folks that seem to not mind me even if I go crazy now and again.

Been thinking about the whole militia thing Arthur's talking about. Might join.

Hmm. Wonder if I'm an idiot or an other folk. [She laughs.]

Militia? [Someone hasn't been checking the network.] What's that?

Nope, just really really stubborn. [A thin chuckle.] You know what you're getting into by now, better than most. I think you know better than to go easy if I go nuts around you.

It's like an army, only smaller. They're trying to organize an actual sort of military structure. Problem for me's not fighting. I just suck at taking orders, and I really don't trust myself not to lose it. I prefer smaller tactics.

Definitely. Yeah, no, Ms. Crazy-Stabby Bad-Samantha isn't getting any leniency from me. [She rambles just a little bit there.]

Um. Well, if you prefer something smaller, maybe you should see if there is something smaller.

Heh, good. That side of me doesn't need any leeway.

[Nervous chuckle. Moving on...]

I'm going to wait and see what he puts together, and if some other sort of organization forms up. If he starts sending out small teams, I might tack onto that, but I'm not going to organize it. The research takes just enough time that I can't spare it for that, and I think until I know I'm safe I'd rather not lead anything around here.

Sounds reasonable to me...

[BARRELING BACK...]

I don't really think of her as a side of you anyway, ya know? No, I mean, it's more like a separate person totally. That's what makes it okay, I know I'll be able to do what it takes.

Edited 2012-10-11 21:38 (UTC)

You can do whatever you have to to handle it. I have to keep in mind that she is me. It's important to me that I keep myself accountable for what she does. Even if I'm not punished for the things I do when I'm like that, I need to do this so I keep myself responsible for fixing this, help or no help. But if you need to think she's someone else so you can stop her... you do that.

Just... [and she looked worried for a second.] Please stop antagonizing her. I remember what she wanted to do to you, Yukari... What she said.

Oh, well... [Yukari, a little embarrassed, goes back to the drink.]

I mean, it's not like she wouldn't wanna do that stuff to me even if I didn't antagonize her, really. I'm not about to let her either way.

[She sighed and nodded. She didn't want to explain that pissing that side of her off could make things worse at times.]

Something... like that. As long as you make sure it stays that way, Yukari, I'll be happy. I don't want to have to apologize to you afterwards. I've had enough apologies for a while.

Well, you don't have to apologize to me no matter what happens, okay? I mean I know you prolly will even if nothing happens. But yeah. I'll make sure. I can take care of myself, ya know.

I will, but yeah. It's good that you know how to take care of yourself. And if we keep her out of sight, you won't have to.

That's the spirit...! [ She pats Sam on the back before draining the last of her drink.]

[She chuckled and set her own down, smiling over at her in a thin fashion. It didn't really reach her eyes, but her smiles rarely did.]

You want another, or you good?

Um... I'll have another, but I won't start on it for a coupla minutes... Yeah, that sounds good.

[She polished hers off and nodded to a waiter, whispering to him to bring another pair in a minute.]

It's easy to overdo it with these things. Don't go too crazy on them, Yukari. The fizzy goes straight to your head, though it makes things feel better faster that way.

... No harm in overdoing it just a little for one night, right? I already do feel better.

[She laughed and sighed.]

I'm going to have to help you back to Freya, aren't I? Not that it's always a bad thing. You deserve a break tonight. We all need to forget sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's exactly it. Just for a day, ya know... I mean, I wish I could've done that at home, but -- you know what, it's better here. To do it here, I mean. There's none of the other stupid stuff... even if it keeps happening, at least I'm used to it now.

[ramble ramble...] Basically, I mean, I don't wanna forget about how I learned ... to forget. You know?

[That got a raised eyebrow and a waved motion. the drinks were in front of them pretty quick afterwards and she took a swig from her bottle.]

That's a two drink lesson, and I'm only at one drink. I barely feel this stuff some days, so I'm going to need to catch up.

Not sure I understand, but I think I get it. It doesn't work at home, but here it's ok?

No, I mean... I could never forget at home. Well, I couldn't drink anything at home. Or I could if I wanted to, but seriously the very last thing I wanted to do was ask some sketchy boy for a drink after Minato-kun--died I mean I didn't want to do it before, either. Anyway, it's different here.

And I couldn't. Because I promised him I wouldn't, I'd keep going, on, I mean... And so I was just barreling on doing stuff, and all the whole time I Was just holding on tighter when you're supposed to let go. You know, like, if you're supposed to loosen up but you tense up instead, when you're - stretching or aiming a bow or whatever. I couldn't forget at all because I was telling myself I had to the whole time.

[gulp]-- But then I got here and I got so much better at forgetting. It didn't hurt that he was here, and then gone again, and I guess I got practice at losing him, huh?

And that hurts too, but actually now that I know how, it's really... [She gestures with her drink.]

[She listened to all of it and then reached over to Yukari's hand and tried to put it around the drink, taking a swig of her own and nodding.]

You're so Freya it hurts. You're hung up on him in ways I can't even begin to imagine, and he's dead for you... I guess you can't go back and bring him back from the dead either. God.

No, you don't have to be that here. If he's here, enjoy your time together. Here's not there. Hell, maybe when it's done you two could stay a little longer. There's... nothing wrong with a little escape. Not once in a while.

Tonight, just drink yourself silly. I'll make sure you get home safe.

[She managed that out, but really this was more than she was used to dealing with. Yukari had issues, just like she had her share. She didn't feel selfish for dwelling on her own, but she didn't really have a solution to the kind of heart ache Yukari must have gotten used to pushing down. She'd never managed to get anything close to a real relationships, just half carbon copies of them that faded like mirages after blood and pain.

Was she opening herself to this kind of hell?]

Is he really worth it?

[drink drink drink. Yes she will, thank you very much.]

T-Thanks. [sigh] I don't know if I can bring him back from here. But I figure, if we really save the world here, don't we deserve something? I mean, that's what I figured when we did it at home too but [she lets out a short, barking laugh] obviously not, right? Instead he had to die and we had to come here and do it all over again.

And now he's not even here. I'm not saving any damn world if what I have to go back to is exactly the same as what I've got there. Here, I mean.

... Not that he won't be back. I'm sure he will be, but... I don't know. How could I know?

[She sighs, and it dawns on her that Sam asked a question.]

Oh-- Um.

... Yeah, of course he's worth it. I -- I love him, I mean, I really, have so much to thank him for... He helped me with everything. A-And I tried to help him, too, but it's not so easy to know about that, but it doesn't really matter, I do what I can and...

What's not worth it is everything else...

Honestly. I mean, yeah, what do I know, but - my dad, and him, and even some other of our friends-- what did I do to deserve everything like that? I mean, they're dead... They're really, seriously dead, they're-- the only place they're coming back is here. That's okay. Asgard's okay. But - you know? I never bullied anyone, [well, except Junpei] I don't think I did anything really bad. But my dad died, my mom became - well - she did some bad stuff, and then we have to fight and save the world and watch people die. And I really, I really do love my friends, but they all have other stuff, stuff that survived. So what am I doing, sitting there, staring at a grave while everyone else does their thing? Moving on to nothing, right?

[oh god, she is not even listening to herself now.]

... But I wasn't even the last person he talked to, you know? It was Aigis, he chose to die with Aigis, not me. Or maybe it wasn't a choice. How would I know? But he was lying there with his head in her lap, and she's the crazy robot who loves him more than anything and how am I supposed to compete with that? So...

[She starts drinking again.]

It's worth it... But not if he's not there. I don't even wanna do the right thing for anyone anymore. Maybe some people can be better people than that, maybe if this happened to them, they'd still say, well, I'm going to go on and keep trying to help people, but I'm not good enough for that. I just want something for myself again...

[Okay. She stares blearily at Samantha.]

Now is that a little heavy for you, Sam? [She laughs.]

[Her first response was to listen to everything, every last word of it. She nodded a couple times and her hand dropped to the table. Her tail lashed lightly and at one point probably grazed Yukari's leg. She felt the touch through it and pulled it back with an irritated yank.]

Edited 2012-10-13 17:48 (UTC)

You need more booze.

[She raised a hand and motioned the bartender over. The word whiskey was said. He raised his eyebrow and then left. She continued to listen to the story for a minute, and by the time that Yukari had finished, there were two glasses of something brown placed in front of them.

Her next action was to tilt hers back and drain it without a second thought. That resulted in a brief fit of coughing before she wiped her chin.]

Fucking drano... but it works.

[And then, her throat raw from alcohol, she spoke. When she did, it had a dry, wooden quality to it.]

I think if you asked most of the people in this city, they'd say you were a selfish bitch to demand that he be here, or that you have a 'reason' to fight for other people, other than to defend yourself.

[She gave her a hooded look, eyes pointed and narrowed. This was something of an important thing for her. She wasn't comfortable right now. Yukari had just dumped a lot in her lap, and she really wasn't used to having this much involvement in someone's life.

At the same time, she couldn't blame her. She'd agreed to this, and half expected it. It was her bed, and she'd lie in it.]

You're fine. It's your right to get what you desire from this, Yukari. You shouldn't walk into this situation and not receive what it is that you want from it. You want the love of your life to be alive again because of what you do, then I say you look to see if you can have him, see if you can find a way to cheat death, even if you have to crawl into the depths of hell, grab the ferryman by the scruff of his neck and cheat creation.

Long as you're not hurting anybody, it's your damned business what makes you fight. Better you know why you care than walk in just because people think you should. I'd kill to be loved that way. I just don't deserve it.

And yes, it's a little heavy for me, but I'll deal. You can put up with one of my stories some time and I'll bleach your brain.

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