asgardeventide | 20. Vicesimus

Entry tags:

20. Vicesimus | Video

[ even in war there is time for philosophy. maybe. Kaworu comes to the video, smiling. He is sitting in his room; on the walls, there are MANY photos of many different people he has met while in Asgard. In his lap there is Zadkiel, an adult orange cat, who is purring loudly (surprisingly, because this cat is the devil) ]

Of all the things you have learned through your life, which is the one you praise the most, the one you think of the most about, the one you are most glad to have learned, met or seen? And why?

[ and because he learned it's better to answer your own questions in order to help others answer, Kaworu will do exactly that ]

I'd say mine is rain. Since this body was created, I have lived inside a laboratory and I was not allowed contact with the outside world. When I first arrived to Asgard, it was around this time of the year and it rained. It was the first time I had seen and felt it, during an afternoon when I shared with someone who is no longer in this world. I suppose that's why I came to love it. Rain reminds me of him. Rain reminds me of many things, and each is very dear to me. [ his hand reaches to pet the cat's head as he looks down at him ]

Ever since I arrived, I was allowed to learn much and see much. I was allowed contact with others, and I was allowed to learn about others. [ yes, "allowed". Because before, he was more of a labrat, not allowed much.

He smiles softly and after he turns to the bracelet again ]

I'm very glad for the time I have spent here. And I thank you for it. I thank you for all that you showed me and taught me, and I thank you for being there. It made this extra time I was allowed much more meaningful.

[ and he is talking about himself which is weird for those who know him, but the war is ending and it's time ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Booker finds himself without much to say -- not because he doesn't care, this is some pretty significant stuff for sure. It's just that he doesn't feel confident that he really understands what is going on, or what this kid is talking about. It's beyond what he faces on a daily routine.

Maybe once or twice he's heard the theory about death and rebirth, but it wasn't ever something he got into. Religion as a whole wasn't his cup of tea. But did this sort of mentality really fit into "religion"? Mentality.. truth.. whatever. Hell this kid could in fact be lying to him. But Booker wasn't the kind of person to outright deny the possibility -- of any situation, even if it was something so far away from his mental.. capacity. Am I even capable of understanding an infinite role within the universe? ]

Woah. [ Shit had to start somewhere, might as well admit sooner than later that his lack of intellect in response was due to the fact that he simply had no grasp of just how this potential reality worked. ] Do you get.. frustrated... living over and over again in the same role?

[ kaworu doesn't hesitate ]

No. it's a role I chose, a role I welcome. It's what I live for. It will never tire me.

Knowing what you do, about the outcome the path the world takes, do you tell those around you of the consequences of their actions or do you let them live without warning?

I won't tell them. Such is something they must decide for themselves, their decisions and choices. They must change by themselves.

[ Booker snorted there. ]

Yeah, and how often do they change in the cycles you've done?

I have not yet entered a new cycle. When I return to my world, it'll be the first time I will time-loop, for it was the first time I died.

However, the gods here have granted me visions of what is to come.

So, now you know the past and the future--or will know the past and the future, being that this is the first time you.. died.

Does it bother you to know what the future holds?

Yes, that is correct.

And no, not at all. It's something I am quite ready to accept.

And if it changes .. through your repeated cycles, is there a future you don't want to accept?

All the futures that are to come are visioning one objective. I'm doing this because I want to make someone happy. And while he is still finding his happiness in each cycle, this will continue.

If there is a harsh cycle, one where Shinji-kun doesn't find any happiness whatsoever, I will try harder the next.

[ Shinji.. kun? Booker considers these words, wondering if how he would feel in this kid's place. Going through endless cycles all for what? To make someone happy--or.. what does he mean by try? If he doesn't directly effect those who live in his world, over and over again in their cycle, then what does he mean by try? ]

How do you try.. to make him happy?

I will live and die for him. I know when I meet him, I won't survive. Our time will be short and not always he will accept that; other times, he won't understand my love for him. And others, he will need me to fade away from the living world to see that love.

I exist so he can feel love while going through each cycle, for Shinji can't see any worth in himself, nor he believes he is loved. I will take the role to show him that he is, I will always try to give him the love and happiness he has such a hard time seeing.

And when he finally comes to a cycle where he sees he can be happy, I will no longer be necessary and I believe I will fade away.

Edited 2014-10-19 19:57 (UTC)

[ Was it altruism at the foundation of this kid's personality, or was it selfishness in aspects he could not know--and the only reason he considered selfishness was because he believed everyone had that at the core of their being. An unavoidable trait of humanity. ]

When he is happy, or becomes happy, is that what will break the cycle?

[ kaworu's altruism can be quite selfish, in a way ]

Perhaps. Or perhaps simply the cycle of my existence; I think I will cease to exist.

Edited 2014-10-19 21:34 (UTC)

That makes you a martyr for your love for him? .. Right?

A martyr? That would imply I suffer for him.

I find no suffering. I love him, I'm glad to do this for him.

You don't suffer.. in all your cycles.. or will be cycles?

Then.. in the end if he's happy you're no longer necessary? [ This is nothing but tragedy.. maybe irony as well.. ] Rather than being able to live with someone you love that much.. you'll die and then..

How is it he'll be happy after you're gone?

Pain is something nobody can erase, not even a being like myself. However, the happiness I feel is much greater than the pain, thus I can not say I'm a martyr; I'm not one. And it's quite alright if I don't live with him; as long my love reaches him, it's all right. All is worthy.

[ kaworu will take a moment to think how to explain this ] Each cycle Shinji-kun will be shaped a bit further, will learn about himself a bit more, different from the last cycle he experienced. Even if he doesn't remember the cycles he went through, there is still something inside of him that allows him to change just enough so things will be different from the last time. There will come a cycle when he will be happy even without me, even after losing me.

Loss exists in the world as a natural part of life. The way Shinji-kun will learn to face it and will learn to move past it is quite important. To be happy even if life brings him some pain, that's what I wish for Shinji-kun.

[ A being .. like yourself? Booker thinks all of this definitely sounds tragic after this - being's - further explanation. ]

Is anything .. different for you here? I mean.. [ No, what do I mean? ] Hm.

Here you can't go through those cycles.. or fade away.. if Shinji-kun is happy.. um, is he here?

Yes, he is and it's true, I do not have to go through those cycles. But both of us must return.

There is still much for Shinji to do. To accept the world - his world - the one he constantly rejects is one of them.

What about this world, how does that configure into this .. relationship you have with him? Does he have to accept this world and find happiness and when he does..

or if he does, what do you do here? Then.. ?

This world is an unexpected stop. It was not meant to happen. And honestly, I don't think I will remember this place in any way, neither will Shinji-kun.

We will be returned to the original point where we left of in our worlds.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

20. Vicesimus | Video

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio } ^perfect icon for such a lovely tag :'c

{ audio } Irony at its best c':

{ audio } beautifully orchestrated on your part

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }

{ audio }