asgardeventide | o1 video

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o1 video | day 415

[ There are some people in the world who really shouldn't be given any sort of technology or utensil without first receiving some hands-on instruction. Well, even more than is standard upon arrival. Peter Pettigrew, unfortunately, is one of them. The video jolts and even falls to the floor before it rights itself, but upside down. ]

Hn. Owls really would just be easier.

[ It rattles again, and really, wearing a bracelet should not be so difficult. ][ A sigh. ]

Merlin, this is -- well. I... I was just wondering if maybe anyone played chess? I... I don't know.

Something to do, maybe? Besides... well, this thing.

[ He gestures to the bracelet, which only serves to make the video fuzzy and flicker out. Sorry, he's never been very good at introductions, and certainly no good at making many friends. ]

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I'll come to you.

[ she can't invite him to the house, she just can't. which makes her chest hurt, just thinking like that, but that's what her gut says, so. ]

Which, um, house were you sorted into?

[ not that there was a proper sorting, but, whatever. ]

Oh. Loki. I'll... uh, meet you outside?

[ Even Lily didn't trust him, thought something was wrong with him. Barty was definitely right. They'd never look at him the same way, never even trust him again. It makes his heart ache]

I'll see you soon, then.

[ He looks gutted, the video flicking off, and Peter leaves his room to wait outside, stuffing his hands into his pockets. ]

[ she nodnodnods, turning of her feed and shutting her eyes just to breathe, for a second. it's only Peter. she knows Peter. she knows him from years of classes together and wondering how in the world he put up with Potter and Black for so long until she started to get to know them all and oh, then she understood. but the fear of her and James' future is so heavy and loud it's making her fearful of approaching him about it instead of just asking. which would be the right thing to do. ask him. straight forward and honest. there's nothing scary about that.

a few minutes later she's leaving the house, fidgeting like she hasn't had a reason to fidget in a long time. really long, actually. Lily Potter isn't the beacon of confidence she might try to come off as at times, but she's usually not the type to fidget. but this is a little mad, isn't it? it's completely mental. she should not be about to have this conversation with Peter, but she is. because she has to. ]

Hullo again. [ she tries for a smile but it's weak and forced and that's probably worse than something genuine. so instead she shuts her eyes and pulls in a big breath again, letting her mouth twist before- ] Peter, before we talk, I have to ask you something and I am absolutely loathe to do so, but. I have to. I have to. [ and I'm so sorry. but she won't say that because she's not the one that's supposed to be sorry, in this situation. she knows that. ] If I asked you to roll your sleeves up, would you do that for me? Could you? [ The Worst Way to Ask One of Your Best Friends if He's a Death Eater, by Lily Potter]

[ He waits, the wind chilled and biting at his face, but he tries to look like he has some semblance of strength left in his bones. When she approaches, he tries for a smile but even his falters. ]

Hi.

[ He knows he should feel relieved that she will even speak to him at all, and yet, when she starts he can feel his stomach twisting, feel the way any idea of trust goes out the window and he frowns, going pale. ]

I... I can do it. But you'll hate me.

[ He looks as though he wishes he could simply disappear right now and he hangs his head, not meeting her eyes. ]

You already do, I guess. Sorry, maybe we should... just pretend this didn't happen? [ He smiles a tiny bit, but it doesn't reach his eyes. It's that same smile he would give James and Sirius and Remus whenever something they said sunk so deep, hurt so much, that he didn't know what else to do in fear of losing their friendship.

He looks back up at her and he shrugs, biting his lip. He shouldn't be the one upset here. He did this, he made this stupid, ridiculous choice and this was the brunt of it. No one to hide behind, no one to protect him. It took one decision, and suddenly, he was alone. He knew he always would be. Instead of speaking again, he merely rolls up his sleeves for her, and there, clear as day on the inside of his arm, is the dark mark. Unlike some, it looks new even, the magic still fresh. It hasn't been long. ]

I just thought-- I wanted to... to do something that--

[ What else is he supposed to do? Fight back? Justify himself? How is he going to do that, no less to Lily Evans who was always kind to him, who never looked down on him. ]

I thought if I did this, if I worked for him then he wouldn't touch any one of you guys. I don't know. I just thought-- I mean I was being ignored in the Order meetings, and at least if things did go bad -- they haven't yet and... and I've done a good job. It's just a few months but-- I know you won't get hurt. Because, because they won't. You're... you're with me?

[ He stares down at his feet now and pushes his sleeves back down, clearly ashamed. ]

I wanted to do something for a change, something right. I guess, ah. Er. I dunno.

I don't hate you.

[ technically. all she has ( had ) are her memories of him back home, the friendship she's been fortunate enough to be a part of since she started seeing James. maybe she wasn't a Marauder, but she did think of those boys as her family. it was impossible to to just forget about that, no matter what she heard here. but then he pushes up his sleeve and- ]

Oh.

[ it's stupid, to try talking when you feel the wind get knocked out of your chest, and it's funny how a brand, a tattoo marring someone's skin could be so scary. but the sight of the dark mark on Peter's arm is scarier than anything she's faced so far here, and it's absolutely because it makes everything she's heard about the future absolutely true. it's a seal, it's proof. her palm moves to cover her mouth, eyes welling with tears, and she can't figure out if she's about to start crying or just start screaming. this isn't fair to do to him, but their future isn't fair, what he does to them isn't fair. she's trying so hard not to be scared, but that's just shifting all over her emotions into something more like anger. which is even worse, isn't it?

she's hearing his explanations, but they really only make it worse. she wants to trust him, she so badly wants to trust that there was some hideous reason behind what he did, that his family was captured by the Death Eaters or he had to choose giving away the location of the entire Order if he didn't give away the hiding place of James and herself, but nothing is sinking in, she can't think of any excuses right now. she's caught thinking of Severus again, how hurt she felt every time she thought about how he was going to take the mark, then finding out here that he had worked for Dumbledore as well, but- that's-

when her palm finally falls away from her mouth again, it leaves both hands balled up at her sides, shoulders drawn up tight ]

Peter, how could you? If that's true... How you could take that mark?! It's- you- You are better than that.

[ she's talking through clenched teeth, and it's absolutely because she's trying really hard not to actually yell, not when they're out here. but maybe that's why she wanted to ask him out here, because she knew it would keep her from lashing out ]

We never, never would have made you do that, you know that! Switching to his side? Even if you were doing it for us, that is so- I- [ she's definitely crying, she can feel the wetness on her cheeks, but she's trying to talk through it ] We're supposed to look out for each other! All of us, that's what the Order is. That means no secrets, no sneaking behind each other's backs. That- [ she's pointing at his arm, like it's not obvious ] - goes against everything we are, everything we fight for! How could you be so foolish?

[ There's the anger he had been expecting. There it always is, just under the surface, just waiting, because everyone knew he'd make a misstep one day. Her words bore into him, nearly burn his ears, his skin and he sinks back away from her, pressing his back to the wall of Loki House. ]

I...

[ How could he take the mark? It was easy. Easier than he suspected it would be, because he wanted to mean something, be someone for once who everyone turned to and said, "Oh, well done Peter, you were brilliant, you saved us. You. But now he won't have that, none of that, and he keeps his gaze leveled at the ground. If she wouldn't hear him, if she, of all people, couldn't look past the obscure mark on his arm, why would the others?

He's too numb to feel the hot tears on his face, too numb to feel the beating of her words, to hear the thrumming of his heart, and the shaking of his hands. ]

I didn't switch.

[ But how could she understand? How could she even begin to grasp the desperation he's felt his whole life to be a part of something, to be more than stupid, gullible, ridiculous Peter. Wormtail. Rat. ]

I'd never do anything to hurt you! I meant what I said, I mean that. I was looking out for you and Prongs and Padfoot and Moony. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't, but -- I thought if I could do that then --

[ He takes a deep, choking breath, fighting back a sob. He finally looks up at her, and the sight of her crying, her balled fists and her clenched jaw makes him ache. ]

I'm not foolish! [ He yells, and he doesn't mean to, but Merlin he wanted her to hear him, wanted her to stop looking at him as though he's slayed them all with that news. ] I won't let him do anything, and I never will! I don't -- ah, Merlin -- I thought -- it doesn't matter now, does it? I'm just the rat now, I can tell. I can see it in the way everyone looks at me? As though I've committed some terrible crime. I got the mark, but I can leave. I can still stop and it's -- I just thought if I was there, if I pretended long enough, he wouldn't touch you or James or anyone. That I could be the good guy for once. That I could be something else instead of Just. Peter.

I wouldn't be Wormtail, I wouldn't be the rat, I wouldn't be that stupid boy, I'd just. I'd fit in, and I'd have saved my friends and --

[ He's sobbing now, and he sinks to the floor, his back pressed into the wall and he presses his face to his knees. ]

It's fine. [ His voice is small, too weak. ] I'm used to this. I made a bad choice, not even one I particularly like, and just --

I should go. So you all can forget I'm even here.

We're not going to forget that you're here. Just- Just stop. Please.

[ it's almost a snap, because it's impossible, at this point, to remain unbiased. she knows the future, the truth of how things turned out. maybe if she didn't, if they just got here and she found out he took the mark, she would be able to follow his reasoning easily, believe it. but it's impossible. ]

Even if you could actually leave the Death Eaters, which you couldn't because that thing is like a tracker, it's binding. [ which she only knows because of what she's seen here ] It's- Our friends are looking at you that way because of what we know, because of what happens. Peter.

[ she has to calm down, so she takes a step back, both hands sliding over her mouth before she's holding them up between them ]

My son is here. Mine and James, he's here, and he's near twenty years old, and he's been- he's been without us for that entire time. Do you want to know why that is? How that happened?

[ He goes quiet, merely sitting there, staring at the ground. He can't look up at her, not yet. ]

Then what can I do? I mean, it's just --

[ Harry. He met Harry. He's been alone, the entire time? Truly, he has? Something cold settles into the pit of his stomach and he looks up at her, paler than ever, looking almost like he could be sick. ]

Oh god.

[ He doesn't know what to do, what to think. ]

W-what do you mean? He's been without you? That's impossible. It's -- Lily, please.

[ Perhaps before had been regret, had been desperation, but this is absolute terror now, and it settles into the very marrow of his bones. ] What happens?

There's a prophecy, in the future. It turns out to be about our Harry James and Voldemort. It's- It is about his downfall, the prophecy will state that a boy born at the end of July would be the one to end his life, and- and Voldemort found out. So James and I will go into hiding, with Harry, we'll hide and we'll used the Fidelius Charm to keep our location secret.

[ she stops then, because she almost wants to reach out a hand to help him up so that they're on the same level, because she doesn't like standing over him like this, but she can feel her hands shaking and- okay, fine. she actually has no problem sitting down in front of him, it's better than letting herself stand there and be so noticeable, or start pacing. so she sits down, leaving just a little more than an arm's length of space between them, her legs tucked under her. ]

We'll choose you to be our Secret Keeper, Peter. [ her voice is quiet again, but it's unsteady, like it could just explode at any second. no, she's not trying to be nasty, she wouldn't, but she can't help her tone. talking about this is the most difficult thing for her, and she hasn't actually told the story to anyone since she learned it. it horrifies her, actually saying it. she sounds more scared than angry. ] And then something happens, a year or so after Harry is born, something must happen at that point because after all that time, you'll tell him where we're hiding. [ she stops to huff a long breath, and it's almost a gasp, in a weird way, like it's finally hitting her, all of it. that Peter's here and she's now realizing she should be seeing him as a threat instead of their friend. that Harry might, absolutely, and Hermione as well. it's overwhelming. ] You'll sell out our location to Lord Voldemort and that will be how he finds us.

[ her chest tightens with a sob and she lets it go, letting her face drop forward to hide behind her hair ]

I know it's not fair and I feel awful for being the one to tell you, but something in you must have changed between who you are now and who you are in those few years. Or months, I suppose, since you're older than I am. It's probably them, the Death Eaters. They must have done something and you- [ she cuts off, eyes squeezing shut as she starts to cry harder. no, no, no. she spent so much time blocking all of this out and now it's right there again, a fresh cut ]

[ What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to say to her when she begins her story. He looks up at her, and if she saw any sort of life, any sort of fighting spirit in his eyes, it's gone, now.

This is what his future held. This is the person he'd become, and that thought alone crushes him. He is trying so very hard to make things right, to do something extraordinary to save his friends, and yet -- here he is. ]

I'm sorry.

[ His voice is barely audible and he looks horrified, as though he's just watches one of them slain before him right there and the tears pour down his cheeks. His hands shake, his stomach twists and he hears nothing but white noise as he stumbles to his feet, barely making it up as he walks away from her, clutching his stomach.

He feels like he'll be sick, but he merely leans against the wall, his breath wheezing from his lungs, barely sucking in oxygen at all. Peter Pettigrew. The Rat. The Loser. The Traitor. The Worthless. ]

T-that's... that's not what...

[ What can he say to her? What can he do to tell her that he never, never wanted anything like that to happen? ]

I wouldn't do that. I... I don't-- and I know no one will believe me. No one ever believes me, but I just wanted -- I tried --

I am sorry, Lily. I... I can't even -- I don't know how I do that. I don't know because I can't -- I can't even --

[ He sinks to the ground again, but it's not as slow or calculated, he's nothing but the bony awkward boy he was in school, and crumpled to the ground as though his legs couldn't carry him anymore. ]

I... I guess you should go. Y'shouldn't be -- if the others knew you were --

[ They hate him. Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? He hates himself. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Because he's not sure any more words can fall from his lips, because he knows of nothing more honest to say than that. Because right now, all he wishes he had was his wand, because at least then, at least for a moment he could turn into the rat, he could become something so inane and disappear. No one went looking for a rat.

They never will. ]

[ Lily's back up on her feet once Peter is, turning and just watching him because she really, genuinely feels awful for giving him this news, it's this impossible push/pull of feelings. being so angry with him, with the mark he carries, what it means, but still wanting to believe he's still- Peter. right now he is, despite the dark mark, he's not fighting her on this, he's not suddenly trying to defend his actions. he's just as shocked and hurt as the rest of them were, when they found. she's wiping at her eyes while he goes on, clearing her throat, trying to get a hold of herself. it's kind of impossible, though. ]

I don't care what the others think, not about this. It's not about them.

[ well, it's about James. she should have told James she was coming to meet him. but she was so sure he'd want to join her, and that wouldn't- she's not ready for that yet. not when she knows that he's just as scared as she is about all of this. only James reacts to fear way different than her, it- no. not yet. ]

They are mad though, yes. Remus and Sirius, they- You know how they are. [ it's not a critical remark, there's no harshness or judgment there. but they do both bring 'fiercely loyal' to a whole new level. ] I don't know if I can ever say that I forgive you and mean it, not when we haven't experienced yet, not even close. It's still a few years away for me, at least. But I am willing to hear you out. We can't change what happens at home, but I'm not going to hold that against you. I can't speak for the others, but I will try.

But only if you swear, no more lies, no more secrets. Promise you won't shut me out, no matter what happens with Sirius or Remus. Or James. [ which.. she'll tell him about this, of course, but still, yeah, she has no idea how they'll react to each other, how any of that will play out. it makes her nervous, but she's sure in her words right now. she knows she has to sound sure, despite the tightness in her throat, it's the only way he'll listen to her. ] If our friendship means anything to you, you'll do that for me. I want to sort this out just as badly as you do, I promise you that. I don't- I don't want to not be friends with you, Peter. It's the last thing I want.

[ He never expected her to stay. Not once -- he expected screaming and more anger, and to be left alone. But when he hears her voice finally, he sits up a tiny bit, trying to catch his breath, trying to calm his thoughts. ]

I... I don't even know if... if I can ask you to forgive me for... for something I haven't done yet.

[ He shrugs a tiny bit and finally looks over his shoulder at her. She wasn't leaving, she was going to be his friend still, even after all of this. He rises slowly, bracing himself against the wall and he tries to wipe the tears from his face with his sleeve before he turns and walks back to her, not brave enough yet to meet her eyes, his hands stuffed into his pockets. ]

Why would you do that for me? [ He looks up at her finally, and he isn't sure what to do, or what to say to her. ] I... I swear. I promise on... on everything that I won't lie. Not anymore. I... I don't want to be alone. Everyone always leaves and... and you're not. That's -- it's never happened to me before.

[ There's a tiny bit of relief in his eyes, not just the hopeless, uncertain look from before. ]

I'll do anything. I... despite what the others say. I just... if they don't -- if they hate me, I don't want you to stay. It wouldn't -- it won't be very pretty, and it won't be fair to you. They deserve you more.

[ He shrugs, letting out a shaky breath, still trying desperately to keep his calm. He couldn't hug her, could he? Part of him wants to, and cling to perhaps the only good friend he may have here, after all. ]

I promise. I... I need to find a way to... to get rid of the... ah, the mark. I don't want it anymore.

[Don't worry, Barty can get rid of it. ♥]

I'm doing it because you're my friend, and I don't want anything to change that.

[ and it's way easier to handle all of this by thinking of it as two very separate worlds - home, and Asgard. which they are, but she's taking it a step further, like the future is some cautionary tale, and the time they have here, even while fighting another war, is the only chance they'll get at changing it, and putting it right. she won't tell him all of that, but that's her reasoning. ]

They're going to be mad, at the both of us, I'd say, but it won't last forever. It can't. [ she sounds a liiiittle unsure of herself there, but she'd never admit to it ] If James sees that I'm trying to clear things between us- [ redeem you from what we know of the future ] -he may by able to find it in him to do the same. [ and with James maybepossiblyhopefully not cutting ties with Peter, maybe Sirius wouldn't either, or Remus. but Sirius had a whole second layer to the story, what with pinning the blame on him and sending him off to Azkaban, and that's- she can't even begin to try and imagine how he feels. but he hasn't been through it yet, so maybe she can talk to him. maybe. ]

[ Peter looks up at her, and for the first time in much of his life no doubt Lily may see a tiny bit of hope in his expression. ]

At least you don't want to change that.

[ He shrugs and laughs, bitterly, shaking his head. ] I was stupid, I guess. Very stupid and it... and it gets you both...

[ He crumples on himself again and lets out a long sigh. ] Maybe they will forgive me, that'd be nice, but... I don't know. They've always forgiven me when I've gone and done something stupid, but that was just... you know, pranks, and tricks.

I never thought my life would be defined by... by a mistake.

[ He shrugs and lets out a long breath, looking up at Lily. ] I'm sorry. You should... I don't want them to be angry at you, too.

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o1 video | day 415

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omg i am sorry this is so long.

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