o1 video | day 415

[trepidations]

[ There are some people in the world who really shouldn't be given any sort of technology or utensil without first receiving some hands-on instruction. Well, even more than is standard upon arrival. Peter Pettigrew, unfortunately, is one of them. The video jolts and even falls to the floor before it rights itself, but upside down. ]

Hn. Owls really would just be easier.

[ It rattles again, and really, wearing a bracelet should not be so difficult. ][ A sigh. ]

Merlin, this is -- well. I... I was just wondering if maybe anyone played chess? I... I don't know.

Something to do, maybe? Besides... well, this thing.

[ He gestures to the bracelet, which only serves to make the video fuzzy and flicker out. Sorry, he's never been very good at introductions, and certainly no good at making many friends. ]

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[dilectio]

There's a prophecy, in the future. It turns out to be about our Harry James and Voldemort. It's- It is about his downfall, the prophecy will state that a boy born at the end of July would be the one to end his life, and- and Voldemort found out. So James and I will go into hiding, with Harry, we'll hide and we'll used the Fidelius Charm to keep our location secret.

[ she stops then, because she almost wants to reach out a hand to help him up so that they're on the same level, because she doesn't like standing over him like this, but she can feel her hands shaking and- okay, fine. she actually has no problem sitting down in front of him, it's better than letting herself stand there and be so noticeable, or start pacing. so she sits down, leaving just a little more than an arm's length of space between them, her legs tucked under her. ]

We'll choose you to be our Secret Keeper, Peter. [ her voice is quiet again, but it's unsteady, like it could just explode at any second. no, she's not trying to be nasty, she wouldn't, but she can't help her tone. talking about this is the most difficult thing for her, and she hasn't actually told the story to anyone since she learned it. it horrifies her, actually saying it. she sounds more scared than angry. ] And then something happens, a year or so after Harry is born, something must happen at that point because after all that time, you'll tell him where we're hiding. [ she stops to huff a long breath, and it's almost a gasp, in a weird way, like it's finally hitting her, all of it. that Peter's here and she's now realizing she should be seeing him as a threat instead of their friend. that Harry might, absolutely, and Hermione as well. it's overwhelming. ] You'll sell out our location to Lord Voldemort and that will be how he finds us.

[ her chest tightens with a sob and she lets it go, letting her face drop forward to hide behind her hair ]

I know it's not fair and I feel awful for being the one to tell you, but something in you must have changed between who you are now and who you are in those few years. Or months, I suppose, since you're older than I am. It's probably them, the Death Eaters. They must have done something and you- [ she cuts off, eyes squeezing shut as she starts to cry harder. no, no, no. she spent so much time blocking all of this out and now it's right there again, a fresh cut ]

[trepidations]

[ What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to say to her when she begins her story. He looks up at her, and if she saw any sort of life, any sort of fighting spirit in his eyes, it's gone, now.

This is what his future held. This is the person he'd become, and that thought alone crushes him. He is trying so very hard to make things right, to do something extraordinary to save his friends, and yet -- here he is. ]

I'm sorry.

[ His voice is barely audible and he looks horrified, as though he's just watches one of them slain before him right there and the tears pour down his cheeks. His hands shake, his stomach twists and he hears nothing but white noise as he stumbles to his feet, barely making it up as he walks away from her, clutching his stomach.

He feels like he'll be sick, but he merely leans against the wall, his breath wheezing from his lungs, barely sucking in oxygen at all. Peter Pettigrew. The Rat. The Loser. The Traitor. The Worthless. ]

T-that's... that's not what...

[ What can he say to her? What can he do to tell her that he never, never wanted anything like that to happen? ]

I wouldn't do that. I... I don't-- and I know no one will believe me. No one ever believes me, but I just wanted -- I tried --

I am sorry, Lily. I... I can't even -- I don't know how I do that. I don't know because I can't -- I can't even --

[ He sinks to the ground again, but it's not as slow or calculated, he's nothing but the bony awkward boy he was in school, and crumpled to the ground as though his legs couldn't carry him anymore. ]

I... I guess you should go. Y'shouldn't be -- if the others knew you were --

[ They hate him. Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? He hates himself. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Because he's not sure any more words can fall from his lips, because he knows of nothing more honest to say than that. Because right now, all he wishes he had was his wand, because at least then, at least for a moment he could turn into the rat, he could become something so inane and disappear. No one went looking for a rat.

They never will. ]

[dilectio]

[ Lily's back up on her feet once Peter is, turning and just watching him because she really, genuinely feels awful for giving him this news, it's this impossible push/pull of feelings. being so angry with him, with the mark he carries, what it means, but still wanting to believe he's still- Peter. right now he is, despite the dark mark, he's not fighting her on this, he's not suddenly trying to defend his actions. he's just as shocked and hurt as the rest of them were, when they found. she's wiping at her eyes while he goes on, clearing her throat, trying to get a hold of herself. it's kind of impossible, though. ]

I don't care what the others think, not about this. It's not about them.

[ well, it's about James. she should have told James she was coming to meet him. but she was so sure he'd want to join her, and that wouldn't- she's not ready for that yet. not when she knows that he's just as scared as she is about all of this. only James reacts to fear way different than her, it- no. not yet. ]

They are mad though, yes. Remus and Sirius, they- You know how they are. [ it's not a critical remark, there's no harshness or judgment there. but they do both bring 'fiercely loyal' to a whole new level. ] I don't know if I can ever say that I forgive you and mean it, not when we haven't experienced yet, not even close. It's still a few years away for me, at least. But I am willing to hear you out. We can't change what happens at home, but I'm not going to hold that against you. I can't speak for the others, but I will try.

But only if you swear, no more lies, no more secrets. Promise you won't shut me out, no matter what happens with Sirius or Remus. Or James. [ which.. she'll tell him about this, of course, but still, yeah, she has no idea how they'll react to each other, how any of that will play out. it makes her nervous, but she's sure in her words right now. she knows she has to sound sure, despite the tightness in her throat, it's the only way he'll listen to her. ] If our friendship means anything to you, you'll do that for me. I want to sort this out just as badly as you do, I promise you that. I don't- I don't want to not be friends with you, Peter. It's the last thing I want.

[trepidations]

[ He never expected her to stay. Not once -- he expected screaming and more anger, and to be left alone. But when he hears her voice finally, he sits up a tiny bit, trying to catch his breath, trying to calm his thoughts. ]

I... I don't even know if... if I can ask you to forgive me for... for something I haven't done yet.

[ He shrugs a tiny bit and finally looks over his shoulder at her. She wasn't leaving, she was going to be his friend still, even after all of this. He rises slowly, bracing himself against the wall and he tries to wipe the tears from his face with his sleeve before he turns and walks back to her, not brave enough yet to meet her eyes, his hands stuffed into his pockets. ]

Why would you do that for me? [ He looks up at her finally, and he isn't sure what to do, or what to say to her. ] I... I swear. I promise on... on everything that I won't lie. Not anymore. I... I don't want to be alone. Everyone always leaves and... and you're not. That's -- it's never happened to me before.

[ There's a tiny bit of relief in his eyes, not just the hopeless, uncertain look from before. ]

I'll do anything. I... despite what the others say. I just... if they don't -- if they hate me, I don't want you to stay. It wouldn't -- it won't be very pretty, and it won't be fair to you. They deserve you more.

[ He shrugs, letting out a shaky breath, still trying desperately to keep his calm. He couldn't hug her, could he? Part of him wants to, and cling to perhaps the only good friend he may have here, after all. ]

I promise. I... I need to find a way to... to get rid of the... ah, the mark. I don't want it anymore.

not here

[liquidsky]

[Don't worry, Barty can get rid of it. ♥]

[dilectio]

I'm doing it because you're my friend, and I don't want anything to change that.

[ and it's way easier to handle all of this by thinking of it as two very separate worlds - home, and Asgard. which they are, but she's taking it a step further, like the future is some cautionary tale, and the time they have here, even while fighting another war, is the only chance they'll get at changing it, and putting it right. she won't tell him all of that, but that's her reasoning. ]

They're going to be mad, at the both of us, I'd say, but it won't last forever. It can't. [ she sounds a liiiittle unsure of herself there, but she'd never admit to it ] If James sees that I'm trying to clear things between us- [ redeem you from what we know of the future ] -he may by able to find it in him to do the same. [ and with James maybepossiblyhopefully not cutting ties with Peter, maybe Sirius wouldn't either, or Remus. but Sirius had a whole second layer to the story, what with pinning the blame on him and sending him off to Azkaban, and that's- she can't even begin to try and imagine how he feels. but he hasn't been through it yet, so maybe she can talk to him. maybe. ]

[trepidations]

[ Peter looks up at her, and for the first time in much of his life no doubt Lily may see a tiny bit of hope in his expression. ]

At least you don't want to change that.

[ He shrugs and laughs, bitterly, shaking his head. ] I was stupid, I guess. Very stupid and it... and it gets you both...

[ He crumples on himself again and lets out a long sigh. ] Maybe they will forgive me, that'd be nice, but... I don't know. They've always forgiven me when I've gone and done something stupid, but that was just... you know, pranks, and tricks.

I never thought my life would be defined by... by a mistake.

[ He shrugs and lets out a long breath, looking up at Lily. ] I'm sorry. You should... I don't want them to be angry at you, too.