$3 | Video.

[ffuckoff]

[Fiona is sitting at home, on her bed, hair tied back in a loose pony tail. She's wearing a simple T-shirt. Altogether, she looks casual, comfortable and like a real go-getter! What a coincidence, what with that being her intention and all.]

Hey! This is Sigyn house. [She moves the camera around, so it gets a good view of her room: clean, neat, organized.] I'm sick of living here anymore. But I need you [she points directly into the camera] to help me out.

I have enough saved up to rent out a place, but I need roommates. I'd prefer an actual house, but I'm good with apartments and condos, whatever. Anything that doesn't have those giant rats crawling around outside-- have you seen 'em? Pink, with the huge ears?-- in the walls is basically great.

I'm clean- [she lets the camera get a good look at the neat and orderly room around her again] and sane. You won't even have to see me too much, I work most of the day as a secretary. I don't have any infectious diseases, and I can mix drinks. Call me. Fiona Gallagher, Sigyn house.

[Still cheery, she waves at the camera, if a little... can waves be sarcastic? If so, this one was. And then, affecting a slightly more serious tone and posture, she says:] On a totally unrelated note, does anybody around here know anything about exorcisms, or demonic possession, that sort of thing? This is on school business, don't worry, my head's not gonna start spinning around. Gimme a head's up if you have any experience in that area; I might have a job for you. Just, y'know, contact me over the network, and watch out for any real big flights of stairs.

Comments

video;

[failassassin]

It's a television channel, back home. I'm assuming ABC is an American television channel?

video;

[ffuckoff]

Yeah, one of the ones you can get on basic. I mean, Lip and Frank fuck around with the cable box and steal channels sometimes, but nobody knew how when I was younger. [Actually, she thinks Frank might have known, but they didn't exactly have a house, then, much less a TV.]

video;

[failassassin]

What would that entail, simply hijacking a television signal? If we had the right equipment here, I'm sure I could teach you how to do it.

video;

[ffuckoff]

I dunno, Lip boosts himself up the telephone pole with a fork and a screwdriver, and if he doesn't electrocute himself, by the time he comes down we can watch Real Housewives.

video;

[failassassin]

Surely there has to be a safer way.

video;

[ffuckoff]

Yeah. You pay cash.

video;

[failassassin]

Or you don't climb up there to begin with.

video;

[ffuckoff]

But then I'll miss Real Housewifes. I'm American, I have a right to pursue happiness, okay?

video;

[failassassin]

Why would there be a show about housewives?

video;

[ffuckoff]

Because they're all rich and bitchy and trying to plan the perfect party, even though Carlton hates Joyce and Michael, but I heard she's gonna invite 'em anyway.

video;

[failassassin]

You Earth people confuse me sometimes. [pause] Though, in this case, I suppose it's 'you Americans.'

video;

[ffuckoff]

Oh, Christ, you're an alien, too?

video;

[failassassin]

You all are the aliens from my point of view. But yes, I'm technically not from Earth. I have spent a while there though, so I 'know the ropes.'

video;

[ffuckoff]

And there I thought you were just incurably British, not an alien. Turns out you're both.

video;

[failassassin]

I'm not British! [though let's be real Turlough, you're British.] I just lived there.

video;

[ffuckoff]

[She actually sighs.] Read this word out for me, would you?

[The feed switches to text:] schedule

video;

[failassassin]

Schedule.

[said in the most BBC British accent, of course.]

video;

[ffuckoff]

I hate to break this to you, but you're British.

video;

[failassassin]

Just because I pronounce a word a certain way? That's hardly a good qualification.

Re: video;

[ffuckoff]

I didn't make the rules. That's just how it is, old chap. [Said with no small amount of irony, and, thankfully, no attempt at a British accent herself.]

Re: video;

[failassassin]

Those are hardly rules, babe.

[unfortunately, Turlough attempted an American accent on 'babe.' it was baaad.]

video;

[ffuckoff]

[Aaaand she cracks up.] Why don't we just- you stick to... never doing that again.

video;

[failassassin]

[He can't help but smile at that.] Was it really that bad?

video;

[ffuckoff]

Let's just say I'm glad I got it on tape.

video;

[failassassin]

If I ever run for Prime Minister of Asgard or whatever, I expect you to use that as blackmail material.