asgardeventide | 01. Primus

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01. Primus | Video

[Kaworu comes to the screen with a kind and gentle smile.]

Hello. I'm looking for a piano or a violin. I'm not sure where I can find one; not to buy - I simply wish to play for a while.

[and now that is out of the way, he wishes to ask something else]

I do have another question. Are you happy?

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If my happiness would cost someone their right to walk their own path, why should I be happy? I'm not about to let them hurt me either.

What about your path?

... Ok, if I think I can ever be happy again without it costing someone else theirs... but I'm not exactly betting on that ever being possible. Hoping just causes me trouble, and people have been giving me a little too much hope already.

How do you know you being happy and still allowing others to be happy is something impossible?

When I've let myself try in the past, it's ended badly for other people. I... I don't know. Why do you think I should try? Or do you?

[Kaworu pauses] A group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.

It's called the Hedgehogs' dilemma.

[She understood the illustration as soon as it was explained. The meaning made sense, but it annoyed her a little...]

I get what you're saying, but hedgehogs know how to be close to each other safely. It's almost as if it says 'if you're one of us, you'll know how to get close safely' and otherwise, you won't. When that's true, that just makes the situation more what worries me.

You believe they won't accept you; that is the the truth you have formed for yourself. But you see, truth is a very fragile thing. Your truth is shaped by other people around you, yes, and that's why you believe they will hurt or they won't accept you.

But truth is formed by a narrowed view of the world, formed by information you collected to protect yourself that was given by other people or by your own experiences. But you see, the view of the world one can have is quite small. One measures things only by one's own small measures. But if your view and position change, the things inside the mind will change a lot.

[ in layman's terms ]

"Happy on a sunny day, gloomy on a rainy day", if that's what you are taught, that's what you'll always believe. But you can enjoy a rainy day. Your truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it.

[This was either one of the most irritating creatures she had ever had the displeasure of speaking, or one of the more insightful. Samantha could not decide which, and that fact had her teeth on edge. She reached up and tapped the button for video feed and her red-eyed, horned visage could be seen on the screen, growling, the staccato sound of tapping claws on her desk echoing before she spoke.]

What part of I'm a monster did you not catch? [A flick at a horn.] It's not that they won't accept me. Some of them are, at a risk to themselves no matter what I'm trying to do to help protect them. I believe that I will ruin their lives if they get too close to me, and that the only way I can have a modicum of happiness is to deal with someone that won't... that won't...

[She shuddered and collapsed into a heap. Somewhere from a mop of red hair the sounds of sobs could be heard.]

[ what he said is what he believes. Saying anything else would just be repeating himself; he was not going to heal her or try to convince her, because she has to be the one healing herself. That is what kaworu thinks. ]

What's your name?

[The answer takes about a minute to get. One of her hands is there, cutting furrows in the grain of the wood with the little claws that extend from her fingernails. They're not deep, but the white on her knuckles shows the pressure she's putting into it as she sobs.

When she calms, her voice is choked and angry.]

You're the one who dragged this out of me.

You first.

Kaworu Nagisa.

[She was almost petty enough to cut the feed. He'd said things she didn't want to hear. Hisao had been hurt by her and lost friends because he refused to disassociate with her. She didn't even want to think of the hell she'd put Karuika and Shou through. Ritsu didn't have the will to avoid her. Yukari was probably insane, at least partially, for risking what she had and antagonizing her darker half to boot. And then there was Eridan. She had been offered the chance to actually 'try' something, and it hadn't blown up in her face yet. She hadn't gone crazy, and to boot if she did it wasn't even likely it would be considered a 'bad' thing by him, as long as he survived it.

It was too much. They didn't just want an ally for the war, someone they could shackle and leave somewhere safe until the fighting started. They wanted a friend, and she'd done such awful things to some of them. Hearing him say the things, a complete stranger like him, had her just past a sodden heap of self-pity.]

Samantha Grey.

I truly hope one day you will be able to heal yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself, Samantha Grey.

Don't bet on it being anytime soon, Kaworu. There's a lot of people I could hurt.

If you defend that as your truth, that's all there will be.

... don't take this the wrong way, but I need to talk to someone I know better, Kaworu. I don't know you, and trust doesn't come cheap with me.

[The feed cuts. If it's any consolation, despite not really trusting him, Kaworu had definitely gotten under her skin with the timing of this.]

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01. Primus | Video

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