＄１， ＶＩＤＥＯ．

[thgreed]

[ The feed today is brought to you by Thneedy Industries, Inc. Needless to say, by the Once-ler himself, free o' charge.

Basically there's this 6'4 skinny guy in a really crazy suit, looking at the camera with the most serious and intimidating-as-he-can-manage face. He's standing in front of a few trees in Gefion Park, tapping his green-gloved hand on the screen, as if making sure it's on. ]

Hi.

[ A moment of silence before he continues. ] So. I've been examining my situation here, and well... [ He gives a small sigh, shutting his eyes briefly. ] It's not pretty -- just like these trees.

[ He motions to the bark and the leaves, all which appear less grey than usual. ] Not soft, not soft enough... [ Ignore the mumbling. ] Alright, two things.

First -- I need to know where I can find a... [ How to phrase this.. ] weapon? No, not anything dangerous enough to hurt someone, because I'm not planning on hurting anyone. Just something rudimentary, like an, uh, axe. [ Please don't let anyone catch on. ] Yeah, that's it.

Second -- has anyone seen a really short guy here? He's orange. And furry. Not to mention annoying. Chances are he's not here, and that's fine. I'd actually like you all to point him in my opposite direction -- should you see him, that is -- but it's more than likely that none of you will bother. [ He rubs the area above his mouth, raising his eyebrows at no one in particular. ]

In fact, I can pretty much see everyone here doing quite the opposite. [ He blows air at his bangs. ] Yikes.

Anyway, one last thing -- can whoever's seeing this answer a really important question for me? Are you.. real?

[ The feed sits there for a minute or two, before the Once-ler realizes to turn it off. Wait, that was three things, wasn't it...? ]

Comments

[voice]

[caw]

What's wrong with orange guys?

[The text might give him away on this one, so voice it is.]

[voice]

[thgreed]

[ Holy crap, there's no picture?! ]

Nothing, really. It's just that, in my experience? Orange guys are really exasperating.

[video]

[trinitylimit]

Of course I'm real. Aren't you?

[video]

[thgreed]

No.

[ Why should he bother being serious to a kid? ]

anon text; wow, i'm sorry. his trolling of holmes is an ongoing thing.

[sebasher]

You may, in fact, be describing one Sherlock Holmes.

I'm not so certain he's orange, though. Poor hygiene may have that effect.

text; askskkJAJJS MY FAVORITE PERSON IN ASGARD u///u [also 1/2]

[thgreed]

idontk know ejko taht isd

video; [2/2]

[thgreed]

[ Wow, typing with gloves is actually.. hard. He switches back to video. ]

Yeaaah, I don't think we're talking about the same guy. But this Sherlock dude sure sounds like a real hoot! [ His mouth forms into a thin, curved line. You can almost see the sarcasm. ]

video;

[adventurous]

[ sorry dude. she's just gonna snort a little at the suit + not-so-intimidating look combo. but once she's done with that, she flashes her usual friendly smile. ]

Not sure where you can get a weapon... but yeah. I'm real.

You must be new. [ literally doing this. ]

video;

[thgreed]

[ So many little kids... around here... ]

I certainly hope so! Because talking to myself would really assure my insanity, I think. [ He's hoping for the best. ]

I am.

[Audio]

[spaghettiokay]

[Gee, that wasn't suspicious at all.]

What do you need an axe for?

[Audio]

[thgreed]

[ It's not!!!!!! x( ]

Why do you wanna know?

[Text - Filtered]

[lethechained]

[... Well. He doesn't seem like a very nice guy. Still,]

We're real.

But I'd understand if you didn't believe me.

[Video - Filtered]

[thgreed]

[ Hmm, private messages. That's new? Still, he won't bother typing anything out because Lord Knows how that went the first time. ]

It's hard to believe anything right now. [ Sora befriending him like that was just weird. ] But if you say so, you say so... y'know?

[video] (OOC: Is his stupid wavy accent readable for you? If not, I can drop it!)

[fishdouche]

[Hello, Once-ler. Have one very purple fishy troll douche bag staring you down through the screen before smirking.]

You think orange is bad? Yelloww is wworse.

So wwhat do you evven wwant an axe for? Guns are much more effectivve.

[video] shoosh don't worry i've played w/ homestucks b4

[thgreed]

[ ...What is that.

And what is that accent. ]

I suppose yellow fur would be a lot more blinding to the eyes, yes..

--Uh, yeah I can't tell you. For reasons, A: I don't really know you, and B: it's a secret.

[persistentsong]

I think everyone here is real.

[thgreed]

Did you ever have difficulty coming to that conclusion, though? [ Genuinely curious. ]

[Video]

[comeonthensexy]

Not soft enough? Do you want to cut down the trees?

[Video]

[thgreed]

[ He gets ready to say something, inhaling, then gradually deadpans. ]

Why must you people ask me these questions.

[video]

[rakia]

[ Ignoring the last one because, well. You don't want any existential whosamawhatist right now, do you? ]

I feel sure you can obtain something like an axe very easily. Is that what you need, an axe? Also, I don't think I have seen any small, furry orange people. I will keep a look out.

[video]

[thgreed]

[ Bless you. ]

Yep. The larger the better, but I'd actually have to be able to lift it above my head.

Thanks. [ Pause. ] Huh. Weirdly enough, you've kinda been the most helpful. [ He reaches up to scratch the back of his head. ] Keep it up. [ At least he didn't question him. ]

video;

[jurlpower]

[Aeryn's head tilts a little to the side, and her nose wrinkles.]

As real as your clothing is horrendous.

video;

[thgreed]

[ People here apparently don't know fashion???? ]

Thanks, I really appreciate that.

[video]

[fluturi]

No. Um, no. And yes, I'm a figment of your widely vivid imagination, and I obviously am here to make your life a living hell. Or something.

...

Come on, what sort of question is that?

[video]

[thgreed]

[ Don't judge him ;; ]

Please don't tell me you totally believe everything you've been spoonfed. The little shred of doubt inside me is kind of keeping my sanity in check, here.

video

[notscared]

Nope. Just terrible projections of your subconscious trying to tell you what an awful suit that is.

video

[thgreed]

[ akskddfn excuse you? ]

Oh, really? Because I'm 99% sure my subconscious loves green. Or else half the things I do or choose to wear wouldn't even happen.

video;

[digophelia]

It would be a better explanation for it to be one massive hallucination, wouldn't it? My god, that shade of green is blinding my eyes.

video;

[thgreed]

Exactly. [ He was having fun back home, he's too tired for this "saving the world" shit. ] ..

Geez, it's not that bad.. [ Ermahgawd he's actually second-guessing himself. ]

[video]

[whatagoodgirl]

If you cut them down, we'll just grow them back. Worse things have happened to this city, and we've overcome them.

[How can such a young girl sound so mother hen lecture-y? It's one of nature's mysteries.]

But I know what it's like to have people you don't want to see, so while I won't lie for you, I won't say anything about where I saw you either. I mean, if I see a small furry orange person.

[Blink. blink blink.]

Yeah... I'm real...?

[video]

[thgreed]

[ Oh. ] I see. To be fair, I don't even know if it'll work out. The trees.. are not soft enough, but they're decently soft. It's weird.

[ --Wait. ] I'm not making sense am I.. ok, moving on!

Thanks for that. The seeing him part, I mean. We're not quite on the best terms right now.

[ Ahh.. ] You actually do sound like it.

video ;

[mititei]

Eh? Why would you ask for a weapon if you don't intend to hurt anyone?

Do you plan to prod us with them to make sure we're real?

video ;

[thgreed]

Because what else am I suppose to call it? A chew toy?

[ Seriously. ]

..Yeah, sure. [ At least this guy's not catching on. ] I'll try extra hard not to give you a bruise just in case you're actually a human being that lives and breathes air.

video;

[lassos]

[His request sounds rather questionable, but Diana is the kind of person to not make prejudgements. Even if it does sound super sketch. But he's asking for something relatively harmless (compared to other weaponry) and as lanky and lean as he is, she has doubts that it would be used as a battleaxe.]

If it's an axe that you're searching for, I know of a blacksmith in Thor that would certainly not mind selling you one. And if it is a simple axe rather than one for battle, you'll find it relatively inexpensive as well.

[A beat] May I ask why you want an axe? I would understand arming yourself for a potential threat, but a wood axe would not be suited to this.

video;

[thgreed]

[ If he could kiss this person he would -- actually no, let's stick to the virtual "thank you"s. ]

Ah- oh gosh. That would actually be really great. And uh, [ Maybe he should say something, after all this lady was very helpful. ] well, I'm making a business. Or trying to. I.. just want to see how it'll go down here, if at all possible.

So no, no.. battling for me.

[ ᴠıᴅᴇᴏ ]

[corona]

This was all very, very subtle of you. I liked the part about the leaves being soft. You know - right before you mentioned the axe?

[ ᴠıᴅᴇᴏ ]

[thgreed]

I- Is that your way of telling me you know what I'm going to do? Please say no.

voice; because obviously this will go well

[sicarius]

[Convinced yet, Once-ler? How about an Italian to mix things up a little.]

And what would you need the axe for, signore?

voice; there is no doubt in my heart

[thgreed]

[ Oh jeez, what is he speaking. ]

A hopeful business. [ A beat, ] Dude. [ He tried. ]

[Video]

[mistakenidentity]

I'm....I'm pretty sure I'm real. What kind of question is that?

[There's been stranger though..]

[Video]

[retrospect]

A real question. [ Ba-dum Tshh. ] This is just a lot to take in, that's all.