006://anonymous text

[thawing]

What does it mean to be alive? Does it mean having a home? Friends? Material things?
Or maybe something like happiness. Enjoying life.

So am I alive? Have I ever been? I feel like I'm stagnant, never growing but never staying young either.

I see mothers and children walking the streets and all I feel is hate at seeing their happiness. I will never have children. I refuse to pass on my genetic defects any further and I refuse to be responsible for another person’s upbringing.

I see the elderly and resent the privilege they pretend to have over me. Why do years make them so much more valuable than me? So much smarter? Surely I have seen more, suffered more than some of them, yet they look at me and act like they know everything about me. Like their age and retirement accounts give them fucking permission to tell me how to dress, how to stand, what to eat? Fuck them. They know nothing.

I see men and I am filled with rage. It absolutely consumes me. They walk with such arrogance, such carefree smiles on their faces while they leer at me or the women on their arms. Meanwhile women carry pepper spray and tasers and hold their keys between their fingers to try and keep themselves safe from a threat that should not exist, from a man they might know or might not know. I see men in the street and want to hurt each and every one of them, I want to put the fear of being a woman into their minds. I want to do to them what they have done to me and so many others.

All I know is anger and fear. 
It's all I've ever felt.

I'm sick of it.

Comments

text;

[writeswrongs]

[Castle has a pretty good idea who this is, and reading it makes him sad, but also a bit ashamed. He's been that man who leers at women. Granted he's changed since he met Beckett, but ass was incredibly easy to come by for him, being a wealthy and successful writer. He's never raped anyone, ever, and never would, but there's no denying he's used some women. From his perspective, they were using him too. He was after sex, they were after money. They both benefitted.

But he has a daughter who's 18 and is about to go out into the world and that puts a lot of things into perspective for a man. He can't be there to protect her all the time. And in many ways, he wouldn't want her to come across a man who was like him in his younger days. Alexis has had a privileged life, not even in the sense that she was financially provided for, but in the sense that she was wanted and loved and protected. Castle hates that anyone would grown up without that.]

I'm sorry. I know that doesn't count for much, but I am.

permanon text

[thawing]

I haven't had many apologies. It can count.

[Her response might have been more along the lines of 'fuck off' if she didn't know who it was. Castle has been nothing but kind to her, if not a little suspicious...but he was normal and she wasn't - suspicion was natural.

Still he'd never asked for anything in return.

And her traitorous mind supplied the bitter 'yet'.]

[writeswrongs]

[There was nothing he needed from her. All he wanted was for her to have better experiences here than she'd had at home.]

I wish I would have been able to protect you.

[thawing]

If I'd been a few years younger I would have gladly wished for that too.

Your intentions are kind, but wasted. Wishing to change the past is pointless. Working to change things now is the best someone can do.

[See Lisbeth, you say these things...but you're going about them the entirely wrong way.]

I've figured out how to protect myself.

[writeswrongs]

You're right. But it's hard to forget where we come from. It tends to make us what we are.

[thawing]

You're right.

[writeswrongs]

Take it and use it to make your life today and tomorrow better.

[Sometimes all it took was a push.]

[thawing]

Your definition of better might be different from mine.

[writeswrongs]

Everyone's definition of better is different.

[thawing]

Most people don't think so.

[writeswrongs]

I've found in my life that most people don't know what's best for you better than you yourself would.

[thawing]

How old are you?

[This is totally a legit question.]

[writeswrongs]

41