006://anonymous text

[thawing]

What does it mean to be alive? Does it mean having a home? Friends? Material things?
Or maybe something like happiness. Enjoying life.

So am I alive? Have I ever been? I feel like I'm stagnant, never growing but never staying young either.

I see mothers and children walking the streets and all I feel is hate at seeing their happiness. I will never have children. I refuse to pass on my genetic defects any further and I refuse to be responsible for another person’s upbringing.

I see the elderly and resent the privilege they pretend to have over me. Why do years make them so much more valuable than me? So much smarter? Surely I have seen more, suffered more than some of them, yet they look at me and act like they know everything about me. Like their age and retirement accounts give them fucking permission to tell me how to dress, how to stand, what to eat? Fuck them. They know nothing.

I see men and I am filled with rage. It absolutely consumes me. They walk with such arrogance, such carefree smiles on their faces while they leer at me or the women on their arms. Meanwhile women carry pepper spray and tasers and hold their keys between their fingers to try and keep themselves safe from a threat that should not exist, from a man they might know or might not know. I see men in the street and want to hurt each and every one of them, I want to put the fear of being a woman into their minds. I want to do to them what they have done to me and so many others.

All I know is anger and fear. 
It's all I've ever felt.

I'm sick of it.

Comments

[anonymous text forever]

[ryuuzaki]

It would be better not to define yourself in relation to other people to this extent, wouldn't it? If the opinions of the elderly don't matter to you, ignore them.

That said, men aren't safe. Anyone who thinks he is is living an illusion.

permanon

[thawing]

Easier said than done.

text;

[poupeechan]

[Her frown grows deeper and deeper as she reads. But the anti-men part in particular rings too close to home for her.]

I don't think gender alone is a reason to hate someone, or to judge someone. This is just my experience, but...

Women can be just as frightening.

text;

[uglyinside]

Has a woman hurt you?

permanon text (tw for talk about rape)

[thawing]

How many women rape just because someone looks like they're asking for it? Because of their clothes or hair? Compared to men how many women do these things?

You can argue that women can murder and rape and do everything men do, but statistics show that men are the larger group of perpetrators in crimes against women. 99% of rapists are men and considering how many go unreported --

[It cuts off there, either she left or didn't want to keep talking about it.]

I'm sorry for your experience. Do not doubt that. No one should have to deal with being afraid of someone.

video. private. 1/2.

[auditor]

[ this speaks to claudia so painfully. words like "sexism" and "gender privilege" are lost to her, unfortunately, but even if she can't articulate it, she knows them, feels them. she wants to protect children, and she is a novice. she wants to protect her uncle, and then, she is a child. she wants to protect other women, the most vulnerable, and she should heel to her brother's command. all of it has never been painted so clearly to her: because she is a woman. ]

I wonder —

[ her voice shakes, and claudia finds she doesn't want even her expression to be known, now. she changes the feed's setting to text. ]

text. private.

[auditor]

I wonder if we will ever know something else.

Anon Text

[uglyinside]

You don't sound very alive to me.

You are right about men.

Why don't you hurt them?


If they treat their wives and daughters with love it is because they have found an acceptable target to hurt elsewhere.

She exists in his fantasies or on the streets.

So why not hurt them here?

No one knows who you are.

permanon

[thawing]

[Johan has hit the nail on the head in this. He brings to mind Lisbeth's mother, who died with brain damage and forgetting the daughter who tried to save her because Lisbeth's father never thought of women as people.]

Believe me, when I find them. They will hurt.

[That is a promise. Lisbeth refused to be a victim any longer, and she refused to stand by and watch others be victims. She would fight back and make the bastards that thought they could get away with shit pay.]

( anon. / text. )

[gameplaying]

And what have you done to change it?

permanon

[thawing]

Change what?

Myself or the world around me?

audio; would text if he could

[hushedpenance]

A lot of people ask about life...
Nobody can define to you what life is. You have to find that on your own.

The elderly are... set in the ways of days past, don't you think? Forget what they think if their advice isn't helpful. They don't always live in the same world as us.

But... both man and woman are capable of evil.

permanon

[thawing]

I know that.

Everyone is capable of evil.

I just hate the fuckers that take advantage of it for no other reason than their own sick gratification. Male, female, or whatever the fuck they are it doesn't matter.

A bastard is still a bastard.

voice;

[digophelia]

[Well, hello, triggers, how are you? When she replies, she's shaking.]

Does it mean to be free of madness?

permanon text

[thawing]

I don't know.

I've been told I'm crazy for so long...I started to believe it too.

Now I don't know how to get rid of it.

Voice

[childsoldier]

I don't know what it means to be alive. I just know that I am.

That's good enough for me. I don't need any goals. So long as I can keep going, that's enough. I don't want to give life a real meaning when everything just keeps getting taken away.

permanon text

[thawing]

There's a difference between existing and being alive.


I don't know what it is but I know there is a difference.

[Text]

[coinpress]

Being alive is only one side of the coin. The other side is about what you do.

permanon text

[thawing]

What should I do?


[Lisbeth is sure she's doing this living thing wrong. There must be an element she's missing, she knows it. She thinks that element is happiness but...she can't be sure if she's never had it.]

text;

[writeswrongs]

[Castle has a pretty good idea who this is, and reading it makes him sad, but also a bit ashamed. He's been that man who leers at women. Granted he's changed since he met Beckett, but ass was incredibly easy to come by for him, being a wealthy and successful writer. He's never raped anyone, ever, and never would, but there's no denying he's used some women. From his perspective, they were using him too. He was after sex, they were after money. They both benefitted.

But he has a daughter who's 18 and is about to go out into the world and that puts a lot of things into perspective for a man. He can't be there to protect her all the time. And in many ways, he wouldn't want her to come across a man who was like him in his younger days. Alexis has had a privileged life, not even in the sense that she was financially provided for, but in the sense that she was wanted and loved and protected. Castle hates that anyone would grown up without that.]

I'm sorry. I know that doesn't count for much, but I am.

permanon text

[thawing]

I haven't had many apologies. It can count.

[Her response might have been more along the lines of 'fuck off' if she didn't know who it was. Castle has been nothing but kind to her, if not a little suspicious...but he was normal and she wasn't - suspicion was natural.

Still he'd never asked for anything in return.

And her traitorous mind supplied the bitter 'yet'.]

text

[tyrian]

You sure )(ate a lot of t)(ings! I don't really know w)(at you mean in some places but w)(y not just ignore w)(at everybody else t)(inks?

(OOC: If you want me to get rid of the quirk just let me know/reply to this!)

permanon text

[thawing]

I think I'll just keep being a hateful bitch. It's a lot more fun than ignoring everything like I used to.

voice;

[gwenhwyfar]

Your anger for children and mothers is misplaced. To be a mother is pain within itself; some children aren't born of consent. And to hold anger against a child is wrong. They are innocents and their innocence is something to be kept. Mothers give life, they nurture it.

The elderly may see beyond their years, but they hold knowledge that can benefit the youth. There could be others that suffered more than you, some that died young. Eventually, their ways will die, much like the ways of the youth will die.

And those who act out violently against men will get theirs; neither a man nor a woman is higher than another. They are equal, and no, that doesn't ride off what they do to women. Raping them to subdue them, for power... So they put fear into others. If you want to act out and repeat what has happened to them, will it make you feel any better? Will it fill the void?

If all you know is anger and fear and you're tired of it, I would call you a coward. You can loathe the existence of others, but it's what you make of it.

Be sick of it, or use your feelings usefully.

permanon text

[thawing]

Their happiness angers me - not them. I

[There's a small lag in the rest of the typing...but soon enough it follows as thus:]

I'm jealous of what they have. But no one is innocent. Nobody. There are degrees of responsibility in everyone.

I am done sitting back and allowing fuckers like that to just do what they like with women and toss them into the gutter. I'm done. If I'm going to suffer for speaking the only language they understand - then so be it.

anon text

[begrudged]

The only way I've found to deal with all of that anger that you speak of is to kill those who were responsible. I know some wouldn't agree with my methods, but I don't think it's any of their business what I do. Plus, people who think they can just... do whatever they want. They don't deserve to live and hurt other people.

... I probably shouldn't be talking to you about this, even anonymously, but it seemed like you might understand. Sorry about that.

permanon text

[thawing]

I understand.

[And that's it...because Lisbeth holds the same opinion. After being treated like nothing for her entire life, something had to snap.]

[Text]

[spaghettiokay]

Surviving.
First and foremost.
The rest comes later.

[A small pause between messages.]

That's how I feel.

[Right now, anyway.]

permanon

[thawing]

I agree.

Text

[tradingsecrets]

People don't have to have a gender to hurt someone. Also men can be hurt as easily as women.

permanon text

[thawing]

I speak from my own experience. Not the world's.