asgardeventide | 003

Entry tags:

003 - Audio

[Samantha opted, when setting up the feed, to go with voice only. She still looked like hell, and she didn't need anyone seeing or asking stupid questions. It wasn't their business. But, after speaking to Conan, she'd resolved that it was time to stop trying to hide from this place any further. When she spoke, her voice had a tired quality to it, but was still strong.]

So, Asgard.

I wanted to discuss something with those of you who will still speak with me right now. These powers that we have. Most of the people I see seem to think of them as a good thing, a blessing of sorts, or at least they partially make up for the tricks you had in your homeworlds. Right.

Here's the thing I wanted to talk about. Most I've spoken to seem to think of these powers as something that's being used to help other people around here, or to protect people that can't protect themselves. How do you people handle the fact that any of them can be abused, misused or mishandled? What do people around here do to prepare themselves to be protected if those powers get used for the wrong reasons? I've been thinking a lot lately about how people could protect themselves from some of these powers, and it worries me.

Not all of us are nice people, you know.

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[That got a small, sad sounding chuckle. Samantha had said as much in her life before, but really what was the point in whining more about this? If she was stuck here, something had to give.]

No, no it really isn't. I didn't pick my dad, but there's times when he has more influence on my life than my mom did, and that's just cruel. But I'm not going to get anywhere feeling sorry for myself.

I've taken lumps for this before, and if the worst I get's a beating from Shou, then I'll live. If it... makes you feel better, there's a lot of very stubborn people in this place. I have trouble trusting them, but they seem convinced not to leave me alone.

Don't worry about how I feel. That's not important right now.

But I am glad that there are people who are willing to stick with you. I saw the end result of your demon state, and I still don't think you deserve to be alone forever. That's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[She frowned and sighed, shaking her head.]

You saw what I did to Karuika, yes. I did mean it, however, when I said I've woken up covered in blood. I've killed people before. Just... keep that in mind when you make assumptions. Karuika was a little lucky that my other half was trying to see what she could get away with, but I was probably lucky he didn't use his powers.

Just... don't assume you've seen the worst.

[That was as close as she was willing to get to actually just outright saying that Karuika wasn't the worst she'd done that night. He was the one that lived. But she didn't want to admit that tonight.]

Being alone isn't as bad as you think it is, though it's pretty scary for some people I guess. I'm sort of used to it. But, you're right. The person that really needs concern right now's Karuika, and other folks. I would prefer they not be at risk.

I know a lot about being alone. I know how it hollows you out inside, and leaves you feeling like you don't even exist on the same plane as other people. Getting used to it doesn't make it any better... I was used to it for a long time, and I still wasn't living. I was like a ghost.

There has to be another answer besides isolating yourself forever. There has to be.

Hmmm. You spent most of your time around people, but alone, didn't you? I can see how that would be pretty difficult, actually. I lived alone with my mother all my life. We only ever saw people in town when we went shopping, and that was really rare. I think ... maybe it's because I was raised almost completely alone that it didn't bother me too much.

You stick around Shou though. He's ... crude, and kind of dumb sometimes, but he won't let you be alone. And, like I said, you don't need to worry. They're not letting me be completely alone apparentlly.

Yeah. My mom was pretty much my only friend until last summer. We... weren't very popular back home. But I had to go to school and everything, so I couldn't just stay home with her.

I ... think I might have had that same sort of experience if I'd gone to a public school. the horns aren't exactly good for making people think you aren't weird. It sounds like you're doing at least a little better here.

Starting to think this place isn't all bad.

Starting. But, I have to find a way not to screw it up more, even if it's just warning people.

There are definitely good things about this place. I've told a lot of people about my past, and no one has judged me for it. I wouldn't have thought something like that was possible back home, where everyone judged me.

I'm... I'm sorry you have to do what you're doing, but I do respect you for it. At least you don't try to ignore it, or leave people without any idea what's going on. I just wish there was another way for you.

I wish there was another way as well. Karuika wouldn't be getting treated if it weren't for that. Still, we can't make it what it isn't, so I'm going to figure something out from all of this. I've talked to Conan, and he gave me an idea that I might be able to work with, but not without help.

Too much risk otherwise.

What kind of idea? Conan is usually good at those.

Well, the only real ideas I'm getting from folks is 'backup' or practice dealing with the power and learning to resist it. I figure it's a way to help... with what I am if I can teach people to resist. But, I won't do it unless someone's there who can knock me out. Not taking the risk.

And yeah, the kid's chock full of ideas most days.

What about someone with Body Control? They could probably hold you back, right?

[She hates the idea of Body Control, but if it could be turned to good...]

I'm not sure I trust someone with Body Control to be able to stop me from using Body Control. I think they've been experimenting to find out if you can control someone's powers with it, and it's sounding like you can't. So, not sure that's the solution.

One of Freya's maybe.

Well, good luck with whatever you do try. Really. I hope you can lead something like a normal life someday.

I'm not banking on it, but if I can figure a way not to repeat the last year of my life too much, then maybe I'll count my blessings there.

I know what you mean. It's hard to imagine change when something has been the same way forever. But it can happen.

We'll see. If... one thing isn't the case here, there's a chance, however slim. But I'm not assuming, not for now. No point getting my hopes up early.

I kind of know what you mean. I'm not much of an optimist either, because it does hurt so much to be let down.

...

Most of them seem confused by that sentiment. I just think of it as being realistic about my chances. I've been dealing with aggressive episodes for over a year, and lesser versions for years. Holding out hope just risks other people getting hurt that don't need to be in danger.

When I first got here... everyone was so friendly and helpful, and I didn't really want to believe that it was true. I was too scared of thinking I had friends, and then having everything go back to the way it was. It took me awhile to talk to anyone about back home.

Your situation's worse, though, so the stakes are even higher. I understand.

I'm not sure I'd say worse. Just different. I don't go in for comparing battle scars, Nakama. I just don't want anyone to deal with some of the crap I've dealt with. But, for me, I don't have problems believing some people around here actually mean well. It's just...

Saints die unpleasant deaths where I come from.

What do you mean? [There's an odd mixture of sadness and alarm in her voice.]

I'm from a world where good people die meaningless deaths. It's not that different from some brain surgeon dying in a drunk driving accident, only there's bastards out there that make it worse. I've seen good people imprisoned and turned against their friends, used as collateral against them.

Good intentions are nice, but when the world has monsters worse than me around, I worry more for them than for myself.

[There's a long silence, before Nakama finally speaks again.]

Where I lived, good people weren't treated all that well either. I've seen them be shunned, be tricked into their own deaths... but it won't stop me from trying to be the best person I can.

You won't hear me telling you to stop. You do what you've gotta do. I'm just not that noble a soul. I try to help the people I care about, but it's better if I keep that list short. Being a saint always seemed too risky for me.

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