[Video]/Action for Hel

[parasiteye]

[ Today's video post starts with lots of glare; sunlight streams directly into the feed through a window for several second until whoever's got the camera on shifts--apparently pulling their arms down from above so that they're held at an angle where there's just a view of the windowsill and their hands. Normal people hands with black nails and a lovely little midget wolf spider dangling between them. They'll twist upward so they stand parallel with the window, and as the spider taps at his hands to test the waters Kaz will start speaking like he's talking to someone off-screen. ]

Okay, so...I guess the first thing is glad t'see you're eatin' right. I mean you started off super-puny so I figured you'd be dead by but seriously, look at you. Totally fattening up there. Good work~ When it gets warmer I'll sneak some of the good stuff in for you. My treat.

I'd tell you not to pay me back but s'not like you've got anything I want. Your place is pretty empty...the other idiot that lives here can't decorate for shit. [ And while he carries on the little wolf spider will drop to his thumbs and start crawling around there, scoping out the large "O" he's made with his fingers to spin a web ]

So, rule number one. Always keep your legs up--right, yeah, like that. Up up so she thinks you're bigger than you actually are. That's the most important thing since as soon as she's on top of you that is basically it: no escape. Don't waste time trying to overpower her because you're obviously not gonna be able to do that. Just go in with your teeth and bite her as much as you can...wait no--first you gotta get up on her back make sure you're on top and then bite her.

When you stick 'em in go right for where she's soft. That's your best bet to give her as much as you've got. If you're lucky it'll be quick and you can get the fuck away before she figures it out.

[ CONGRATULATIONS ASGARD YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A SPIDER. That's what he just described....ye...p.......

GIVIN' ADVICE TO ALL THE ARACHNIDS. ]

You got all that Qhhth'ssqhk? This is important shit. [ YES HE ALSO NAMED THE SPIDER SHUT UP. ]

Comments

[mnemonics]

Cthuthsqueheck?

[parasiteye]

Wow, no--that's awful.

[mnemonics]

Well, it's hard to pronounce! What language is that supposed to be?

[She looks genuinely curious for a moment, but then shakes her head with a frown]

Wait, no, more importantly, those are definitely bad tips! I mean, there's rough, and then there's whatever you just described.

[parasiteye]

--That wasn't supposed to be public.

[mnemonics]

Still! It's definitely bad! If you have a guy doing things like that, you'd have to replace—no, wait, you can't replace things—It'd definitely hurt her!

[parasiteye]

That's kind of the point?? You wanna be the one to strike first!

1/3 (I... AM SORRY FOR THIS...)

[mnemonics]

Strike...

[mnemonics]

oh my god...

[mnemonics]

Are you a rapist?? And you're training or whatever more of them?!

[parasiteye]

I--what?! No!!! What the fuck!!

wow appropriate keywords

[mnemonics]

That's definitely what it sounds like! What else could you be talking about with striking women after you have sex with them?! Are you a serial killer or something too?!

LMAO

[parasiteye]

I was talking about fighting other spiders!!

1/2

[mnemonics]

...

[mnemonics]

Um, what's a spider?

[parasiteye]

.....You're joking.

[mnemonics]

Well, no! [She smiles a little bit] I'm from a completely different planet from anyone here, so... I don't know what a lot of the things here are! Like spiders, apparently.

[parasiteye]

They're bugs. Not rapists.

[mnemonics]

Oh! Well, that's embarrassing. Sorry that I accused you of that!

[Her apology sounds genuine and she looks sheepish, but as something dawns on her, she just looks confused again]

Why are you talking to bugs? Do spiders talk?

[parasiteye]

....No usually, no.

[mnemonics]

Oh.

That's pretty weird, in that case!

[parasiteye]

Thanks. [ OH-SO-DRYLY ]

[mnemonics]

[Brightly,] You're welcome!

Well, Mr. Spider Trainer, my name is Noa! [winks!] Sorry again for assuming things. It just sounded... Well, it sounded pretty sexual!

[parasiteye]

Come on, how was that sexual at all??

[mnemonics]

Well, you were talking about legs up, making her think you're bigger than you are, biting—Those are all pretty standard!

[parasiteye]

Standard stuff for spiders! They've got eight legs and stuff--if you put the front two up you can look bigger than you actually are. An' if you gonna poison someone why waste time trying to bite through the hard stuff??