asgardeventide | [Video]/Action for Hel

[ Today's video post starts with lots of glare; sunlight streams directly into the feed through a window for several second until whoever's got the camera on shifts--apparently pulling their arms down from above so that they're held at an angle where there's just a view of the windowsill and their hands. Normal people hands with black nails and a lovely little midget wolf spider dangling between them. They'll twist upward so they stand parallel with the window, and as the spider taps at his hands to test the waters Kaz will start speaking like he's talking to someone off-screen. ]

Okay, so...I guess the first thing is glad t'see you're eatin' right. I mean you started off super-puny so I figured you'd be dead by but seriously, look at you. Totally fattening up there. Good work~ When it gets warmer I'll sneak some of the good stuff in for you. My treat.

I'd tell you not to pay me back but s'not like you've got anything I want. Your place is pretty empty...the other idiot that lives here can't decorate for shit. [ And while he carries on the little wolf spider will drop to his thumbs and start crawling around there, scoping out the large "O" he's made with his fingers to spin a web ]

So, rule number one. Always keep your legs up--right, yeah, like that. Up up so she thinks you're bigger than you actually are. That's the most important thing since as soon as she's on top of you that is basically it: no escape. Don't waste time trying to overpower her because you're obviously not gonna be able to do that. Just go in with your teeth and bite her as much as you can...wait no--first you gotta get up on her back make sure you're on top and then bite her.

When you stick 'em in go right for where she's soft. That's your best bet to give her as much as you've got. If you're lucky it'll be quick and you can get the fuck away before she figures it out.

[ CONGRATULATIONS ASGARD YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A SPIDER. That's what he just described....ye...p.......

GIVIN' ADVICE TO ALL THE ARACHNIDS. ]

You got all that Qhhth'ssqhk? This is important shit. [ YES HE ALSO NAMED THE SPIDER SHUT UP. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Brightly,] You're welcome!

Well, Mr. Spider Trainer, my name is Noa! [winks!] Sorry again for assuming things. It just sounded... Well, it sounded pretty sexual!

Come on, how was that sexual at all??

Well, you were talking about legs up, making her think you're bigger than you are, biting—Those are all pretty standard!

Standard stuff for spiders! They've got eight legs and stuff--if you put the front two up you can look bigger than you actually are. An' if you gonna poison someone why waste time trying to bite through the hard stuff??

Well, you didn't say all of that to begin with! It's a fair misunderstanding.

Well like I said, no one was supposed to see...

...That's true. Do the bracelets malfunction like that often?

No. I probably bumped it or something stupid.

Oh, well that sucks, then! It's kind of weird, but at least you didn't post something worse, at least...?

I don't have weird hobbies you know.

[other than fapping to spiders]

Nah, that's impossible! I think everyone has a hobby that everyone else would think is weird.

[ shut uuuuup ]

I think anything you aliens do is weird.

And I think training spiders is weird! [She laughs] So we're even, right?

....Yeah, that works.

Sooo, I'm just curious! Are you a human from Earth too? I've met and seen a lot of people that look like you, but I'm getting used to how strange you all look.

Nope--I'm a demon. Know what that is?

[Her eyes brighten]

I do! But... I would imagine them to look like you! They're creatures of Hell that torture sinners, and things like that. I'd always imagined them to be bigger and scarier. [and cooler]

Ugh, that place again--hell isn't real, it's made up.

Really? How do you know?

Cuz demons come from the desert, that's why.

But not every planet that observes has a desert... Oh! This is that different worlds thing that people were talking about, I guess! It doesn't matter much to me whether it exists or not, since I wouldn't go to either one, but it's kind of interesting!

What, aliens don't believe they go to Hell?

Oh, no, they do, I guess! But I don't have a soul, so I don't go to either one.

[Brightly,] I'm a Sky Doll! No one here seems to have heard of us, but we're androids created for... Um! Lots of different tasks!

Ann...deroyd??

[she did better at pronouncing your stupid cthulhu name fuck you kaz]

Oh, you don't know what androids are? Well, we're mechanical beings created by other people! So, like, I'm modeled to look like a Papthean, but...

[Noa takes off the wig she's wearing today to show the mechanical seams of her skull] But I was made in a factory, and I'm not biological. And we were made to do lots of different tasks! Like washing spaceships, driving taxis, prostitutes, lots of things!

(no subject)

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