asgardeventide | 01. Primus

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01. Primus | Video

[Kaworu comes to the screen with a kind and gentle smile.]

Hello. I'm looking for a piano or a violin. I'm not sure where I can find one; not to buy - I simply wish to play for a while.

[and now that is out of the way, he wishes to ask something else]

I do have another question. Are you happy?

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No.

[Oh, she was feeling downright loquacious today, wasn't she? It wasn't that people weren't trying to be friends with her, help her be happy, make her happier. It wasn't even that some people had managed to begin feeling legitimately important. It wasn't even that there were things that made her feel hopeful.

No, none of those things were enough to make her happy. She wasn't happy, and she was selfish enough to admit that. She wanted more, and didn't think she deserved to have more.]

Edited 2012-10-19 22:03 (UTC)

Why?

I can't allow myself to be truly happy. If I did that, I would risk losing it all over again. I'm not even sure I really remember what it's like to be happy. That feels like a fevered dream at times.

By keeping yourself at a distance you avoid the betrayal of your trust. But while you might not be hurt that way, you mustn't forget that you must endure the pain you feel for never having actual happiness.

Pain is something that man must endure in his heart, for it's not something they can fully erase. And since the heart feels pain so easily, some believe that life is pain and nothing more.

It doesn't mean it has to be.

My life was designed to be filled with pain and misery. [Ok, that was overly dramatic, but her father had said something like that once...] It isn't a matter of feeling it easily. I get a whole lot of it, and whenever there's something good enough to make me happy...

What do you care? So what if I'm not ready to believe completely? Why should I think being happy isn't just another chance to be vulnerable? What's it to you anyway?

You are afraid of it because you believe it won't be eternal. You are right, most things aren't; the impact of losing something or someone you love will wound you, but it's you who can heal and it's you who can love again. Happiness is, after all, something every heart desires. You don't have to reject yours. You are, after all, worthy of it.

Edited 2012-10-20 04:53 (UTC)

[The fact that this could easily be something of a generic lesson to her was getting lost. It was too easy to feel like Kaworu was talking about her specific situation, too easy to feel like he was speaking without knowledge. And, with how self-centered she could be at times...]

What do you know about me?!? What makes you think I'm worthy of anything? How much happiness have I stopped because...

Who do you think you are?

Why are you angry?

You don't even know my name! How do you think you can tell me things like this without even knowing who you're talking to?

If they aren't true, you don't have to worry about what a stranger like me thinks, correct?

Oh be quiet you. I wasn't done being pissed off. [mutter] Gah. You have no idea how much risk there is my trying to be really happy. I'm not even sure what makes me happy. My head's a damned mess, oh nosy little stranger you.

[he allows her to finish]

What sort of risk?

I'm half monster. I'm accustomed to my happiness often costing someone else theirs, and mine should not come at that price.

So, you don't believe you should be happy?

If my happiness would cost someone their right to walk their own path, why should I be happy? I'm not about to let them hurt me either.

What about your path?

... Ok, if I think I can ever be happy again without it costing someone else theirs... but I'm not exactly betting on that ever being possible. Hoping just causes me trouble, and people have been giving me a little too much hope already.

How do you know you being happy and still allowing others to be happy is something impossible?

When I've let myself try in the past, it's ended badly for other people. I... I don't know. Why do you think I should try? Or do you?

[Kaworu pauses] A group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.

It's called the Hedgehogs' dilemma.

[She understood the illustration as soon as it was explained. The meaning made sense, but it annoyed her a little...]

I get what you're saying, but hedgehogs know how to be close to each other safely. It's almost as if it says 'if you're one of us, you'll know how to get close safely' and otherwise, you won't. When that's true, that just makes the situation more what worries me.

You believe they won't accept you; that is the the truth you have formed for yourself. But you see, truth is a very fragile thing. Your truth is shaped by other people around you, yes, and that's why you believe they will hurt or they won't accept you.

But truth is formed by a narrowed view of the world, formed by information you collected to protect yourself that was given by other people or by your own experiences. But you see, the view of the world one can have is quite small. One measures things only by one's own small measures. But if your view and position change, the things inside the mind will change a lot.

[ in layman's terms ]

"Happy on a sunny day, gloomy on a rainy day", if that's what you are taught, that's what you'll always believe. But you can enjoy a rainy day. Your truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it.

[This was either one of the most irritating creatures she had ever had the displeasure of speaking, or one of the more insightful. Samantha could not decide which, and that fact had her teeth on edge. She reached up and tapped the button for video feed and her red-eyed, horned visage could be seen on the screen, growling, the staccato sound of tapping claws on her desk echoing before she spoke.]

What part of I'm a monster did you not catch? [A flick at a horn.] It's not that they won't accept me. Some of them are, at a risk to themselves no matter what I'm trying to do to help protect them. I believe that I will ruin their lives if they get too close to me, and that the only way I can have a modicum of happiness is to deal with someone that won't... that won't...

[She shuddered and collapsed into a heap. Somewhere from a mop of red hair the sounds of sobs could be heard.]

[ what he said is what he believes. Saying anything else would just be repeating himself; he was not going to heal her or try to convince her, because she has to be the one healing herself. That is what kaworu thinks. ]

What's your name?

[The answer takes about a minute to get. One of her hands is there, cutting furrows in the grain of the wood with the little claws that extend from her fingernails. They're not deep, but the white on her knuckles shows the pressure she's putting into it as she sobs.

When she calms, her voice is choked and angry.]

You're the one who dragged this out of me.

You first.

01. Primus | Video

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