asgardeventide | D539 (before the battle)

Yeah, still the same place. I can wait in front of the building if you're worried.

( that, for the record, is a genuine offer, not making fun of her. )

Sure, do whatever.

[Distracted, again. Seems like Ellie's turned off her bracelet. It takes her a little longer than ten minutes to get to the place, but when Ellie shows up, she's changed. She isn't any older, but she's been robbed of every ounce of extra fat she'd put on in her months in Asgard, leaving her all sinew.

Ellie's cheeks are windburned again, her hair cut unevenly, her freckles darker. Under the scent of sweat, she smells vaguely like antiseptic and gunpowder.

Ellie hadn't had any idea how much being in Asgard had softened her until she felt the difference. All of the old reflexes were back, sharp and aching, making it hard for her to stand near so many people.

Her fingers are in her pocket, and Tris will know they're wrapped hard around her knife. She relaxes when Tris shows up, but only marginally.]

Hey.

( tris is right there at the entrance of the welcome hall, arms crossed and waiting. it's impossible to miss the changes, and she's got some idea of what ellie's world is like now. )

Hey.

( she looks her over, but commenting doesn't seem like the thing to do. )

Let's go in.

( it reminds her a little of the day they met, the day she first came to asgard, lost and paranoid and completely out of her element in surroundings that were too rich, to peaceful, and too full of people. it doesn't need pointing out. she walks straight to her room. )

[For the first time in possibly the history of ever, Ellie passes even the slide without a second look. She always has to give it a whirl, every time she visits. At least once, no matter how bad a day she's had.

This time, she walks right by it. She won't speak until they're in Tris's room, the door shut behind her. As soon as it does though, it comes tumbling out.]

I was right.

( tris' room is still pretty bare. there are a few sheets of paper on the desk, drawings, sketches, ideas. none of them her work. the bed isn't made, but her clothes are all put away, which leaves only a backpack, a water bottle and her weapons lying around. )

About what?

( something important. but which of the important things? )

[Ellie rakes her fingers across her knuckles, picking at her skin. Her thumbnail snags a healing scab -- from punching something, probably -- and re-opens it, making blood bloom on the surface.]

We found the labs. But right before we did, I almost drowned. I didn't wake up until we were driving away. I was in a hospital gown, I'd been -- I was drugged. Coming out of being drugged.

[Ellie spins to Tris, her eyes wide, her cheeks pale. After talking with Killua, all she can think of is what this confirms.]

I didn't see the labs at all. Or any Fireflies.

( it confirms tris' suspicions, too. if they'd seen any number of people like ellie, wouldn't they at least have let her stay until she woke back up? they might have drugged her to treat injuries or just to check on her, but that's still all suspicious from start to finish. tris' eyes widen as her words immediately follow ellie's. )

So he could've told you... anything.

Exactly.

[The word rips out of her, and she wants to cry. But beneath the deep, sick feeling, she is resolved.]

I think we found the lab. I mean, he wouldn't have walked away... not without a good reason. We've been doing this forever, he wouldn't change his mind, unless-

[Ellie makes a helpless, restless gesture with her hands. She knows, now. She knows how far he'd go.]

Unless they were gonna hurt me.

If they had already drugged you-

( the realization hits her while she says it, and the horror of it reaches into her chest. )

... they weren't even gonna ask you what you wanted or anything.

Yeah.

[That's what makes her feel so empty, so fucked up. Because Marlene was there.

Maybe, a year ago, Ellie would have believed that Marlene would want to keep her safe. That she'd want her out of there, had even worked with Joel to ensure they got out. But after the things Riley's told her about Firefly initiation, she can't quite believe it of her.

Marlene was there, and she'd never once thought of asking Ellie what she wanted. Because if she had-]

... Joel must've known I'd do whatever it took.

And Marlene didn't.

( it feels like someone replaced her blood with ice water. she's clenching her jaw so hard it hurts before she even realizes it. )

Fuck. What did they want to do to you?

( of course they don't know and can't, but she can't keep the question in. )

[Ellie just shakes her head, taking unsteady breaths.]

Something I didn't need to be awake for. Didn't matter if I cooperated. Something that scared the shit out of Joel, which means- which means-

[Her MRI. All the growths in her body, all through her lungs and heart and skull.]

I probably wasn't gonna live through it.

Yeah. Probably.

( she feels cold. staring hard at the floor doesn't help, and she doesn't stop biting the inside of her cheek until the taste of blood startles her out of it. her skin crawls and she desperately wants to move and to act but there's nothing to do. )

If they asked you, would you have agreed?

[That's when it hits her. The fact that she doesn't have to think about it. She already knows her answer, and Joel knew, too.]

Yeah.

[The tears press up hot behind her eyes. He knew. He knew, and he lied. He took it away from her, took her choice, took everything she'd been building toward, everything they'd gone through, and decided for her. It was so unbelievably selfish, and he'd done it because he loved her.

He loved her enough to choose her over the whole world.

The sob catches in her throat, hot and painful, and on the second breath she doesn't hold it back. It breaks out of her, and she reaches up to cover her mouth with both hands, shoulders trembling, tears rushing over her fingers.]

( and tris is at a loss. ellie starting to cry breaks through the building tension, but she has no idea what to do with the pieces of it or what to do, what to say. comfort? reassurance? what? )

Ellie... ?

[Another sob breaks out, and Ellie pulls her hands away from her face. She does not cry prettily. Her face gets all blotchy and red and her freckles stand out.]

Motherfucker!

I can't believe he'd fucking lie to me! This is such bullshit-

[Yes. Angry-crying.]

( that's some seriously angry crying. but it's something tris can relate to. it takes a moment before she manages to reach out to put a hand on her friend's shoulder, and she doesn't know what to say. it's a hellish decision to make for anyone. )

[It helps. The crying quickly quiets into just tears, and Ellie covers her hand with hers to squeeze gently, wiping the dampness away, embarrassed by her outburst. Tris has never seen her cry before.]

( she feels awfully useless just standing there. all the comforting she knows how to do is written in Abnegation [service and quiet] or in Dauntless [distracting and diverting and risks and, often, alcohol], but neither helps her now. so she stands there and waits and can't do anything to help.

but then, ellie's been there for her in times like this before. she waits. )

[Sometimes, just being there is enough. Even accepting this much comfort feels like a weakness, but Tris's hand on her shoulder is keeping her together. She swallows hard and dries her cheeks, still not looking at her.]

... is it stupid? Caring about somebody who fucked you over?

I... I don't know. I don't think so.

( bites her lip. looks down. her hand on ellie's shoulder tenses for a moment. )

There were a lot of things my parents never told me.

( that one of them knew how to work a gun. that the other knew how to pull bullets out of people. she's working this out as she says it, too. )

I mean... it's not like that's all of what you've gone through together. And all of that still matters too.

[Ellie nods to herself, still wiping her cheeks, calming down. Just breathing.]

... he's the only person- the only one I'm not going to lose.

( that's a familiar kind of determination. so tris gives a small nod. )

Then, I mean- I guess you don't have to forgive him. But it'd make things easier if you could. At some point.

I hope so.

[There is a weight to her words, a shakiness. She wants to forgive him, to trust him, but she's been shaken so badly, she's not sure she can.]

( another nod. she thinks of home and thinks of her brother, the one person she would have never thought would betray her and who did anyway. she never tried to forgive him, or wanted to. perhaps she should try, too.

better to focus on something else. she grips ellie's shoulder tight and tries for a smile, which comes out weak. )

Looks like whatever happens, he's pretty determined not to lose you either.

D539 (before the battle) | Voice

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