asgardeventide | 004 | audio; D496

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004 | audio; D496

[After having his bracelet returned to him, Soushi was having a difficult time readjusting to his current situation in the city. It was as thought all the memories, all the guilt, and all the emotions that were haunting him had returned at full strength; or, maybe, it had doubled in strength while he was grey. Whatever the case may be, he felt sick to his stomach. Very sick. But even so, he can be found sitting in one of the benches at the park, head lowered to the ground as he begins his latest transmission.]

...it would seem I have returned from the grey spell. I am uncertain over the length of time I had vanished, but it feels as thought it was a while... [There will be a pause before he admits.] ...my chest hurts, and I currently feel nauseous...

[Then there will be silence as he tries to find a neutral tone to his voice. Allowing his more formal tone of voice to return instead of the hollow and quite voice he was currently offering.]

What are the latest developments that has occurred or is occurring within the city? I haven't had the time to check the network as I....returned at this very moment. I would greatly appreciate to be told the latest news as I feel under the weather. [Then another pause until he remembers.] ...I won't skip my shift with the city patrol tonight, no matter how ill I currently feel...[He needed something to keep his mind off his current troubles and feelings. He wishes to ignore them as long as he is able to. That's why his job in patrolling the city was so important to him.

As he thought about his next set of words, there will be a long moment of silence as Soushi was uncertain over many things. He isn't certain if it was the guilt, current demeanor, or lack of readjusting to his current environment as he felt the need to ask an important question pertaining to friendship and self-worth. It was a question he has had in the back of his mind ever since he spoke to Jane about it. Honestly, he would normally never ask or even allow himself to be bothered by it, and yet he was. It was all so odd to feel like this.]

Before I end this transmission and if there is anyone still listening -- if you are, then I thank you for doing so -- I have a final inquiry to make. [A pause as he takes a deep breath before deciding to say.] Does an individual who has committed a heinous crime deserve to have friends even if they committed said crime in their home world and without meaning to? Would it be for the best for that individual to isolate themselves as punishment in this world? Would it be proper for that individual to cut all ties with all those surrounding him?

[And without saying anything else, he will end the transmission with a simple "thank you" as he no longer had the strength to keep speaking any more as he felt he would lose his stomach or himself as he thought about his master.]

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You can not hide from what happened. You need to confront it, discover why it happened and then maybe you will be able to trust and forgive yourself for it. Hiding... never does any good. It never solves the initial problem. I know what I suggest is the hardest thing to do but moving forward sometimes required difficult self examinations.

[If he could move forward. Leonardo was beginning to fear he had trapped himself in this cycle of regret and would be unwilling to move past it.]

I do not believe anyone is beyond redemption. I have had friends who... well, they were less-than-upstanding citizens. They have run brothels, were thieves and murders, but at heart they were decent people. They stole to put food on the table, killed only those who would have harmed others... I believe you are one of these people too. You are a good person at heart. I believe in you.

[Once again Soushi's word gave him pause. Did he see all 'friends' like that? Just some one to use him or be used? That was a dreadful state of mind... Maybe what he said would be dismissed as just another person trying to use his talents but he decided to say it anyway.]

Soushi, I do not understand the situation you had at home, you have told me some of it but... sometimes people working together for the same goal do often become friends. They may not have been using you they may really have liked you. I have been in situations too where people usually only come to see me when they need something. Does that mean we are not friends? No! They worry about me when something happens, try to support my endeavors... even if they disappear for years we still care about each other. It seems to me that you not only have trouble trusting in yourself but you have trouble trusting in others as well.
Do you think that I only want to use you?

[At the thought of having him force to face his memories and situation, Soushi was close to shaking his head and rejecting the idea entirely. If it were someone else having made that request to him, he would have ended the conversation there and offered a polite dismissal message with the excuse that he wasn't feeling well. The only reason he hasn't done any of those steps is due to his respect for Leonardo and the friendship he did feel towards him. If it weren't for his sincere feelings, then he would have ended the conversation now.

However, it didn't mean Soushi will begin to face himself, not yet. Instead he will hold onto his head a moment further, covering his eyes and leaning over the bracelet that was now on his lap, while he continues to listen to the type of company Leonardo keeps which was no secret to him. After all, the older man had told him a little about those friends and the apple once. He will simply listen and feel his lips slightly quiver as the man speaks his faith in him. An idea or feeling no one has ever offered him before. He wasn't entirely certain what to do with it. He couldn't reject it, that's for sure.

But at the question over if he believes Leonardo was using him, it will finally get a reaction from him. He will lower his hands from his eyes and offer a shake of his head.]

No. Never! I would never have those type of thoughts about you...

[And to prove it, Soushi will nod his head in understanding as he crosses his arms now. A piece of him doesn't want to do this -- to explore, to move forward, to reflect. He didn't want to do it. He really didn't, but...]

...I have my reasons to believe the intentions of those in my world. The situation has no relation to your experiences as I would not care if they were to disappear from my sight. [Actually.] I prefer they would...

[It was clear he didn't think too fondly of them. Natsume might be someone he has grown to somewhat tolerate, but it was only out of need as he was his only connection to Ririchiyo and nothing more. However, he will try to change the look on his face to a softer one as he finally will say:]

...I'll prove the difference between the relationship I share with you compare to everyone else. If it is your wish for me to begin my self-reflection, then I would do so only if you are the one asking the questions...

[Now uncrossing his arms, he will return the bracelet to its proper place as he found it'll be best to keep it on his person while offering some time to prepare for what is to come. A smile will appear to his lips as he does so to mask his current feelings.]

...whenever you are ready to begin...

[He should not have been surprised when Soushi said he would only do this if he were involved asking the questions of him but it was a surprise. Self-reflection usually was just that. Something you did by yourself.

But, challenge accepted. If this might help Soushi move forward then he was willing enough to become a sounding board for him.]

Bene, I can do that. Why not start where you just began, why continue to allow yourself to be used by other people? If you are not happy in a place or with those people why not leave? You could move to a different city, a different country even, why put up with these people you would rather see disappear?

[Leonardo's question won't take very long for Soushi to answer as there was a main reason he didn't or hasn't tried to leave at all before.]

Ririchiyo-sama is the reason I haven't left the safety of the mansion. [Well, there was other reasons, but he won't talk about them. It was a topic he never has told anyone other than Ayame as she knew all about it due to meeting his previous incarnation. Actually, now that they are speaking about his master, he will add:] She is the main reason I have decided to become an SS and move into the mansion in the first place. No matter where she chose to live, I would have ended up following after her as....I've always felt I was fated to meet her. [Just like a moth to a light. He followed after her even when Ayame ordered him not to do so.]

Soushi, you always try to live for that one person... should you not also try to live for yourself? If these people are cruel to you why not tell them off? If you love Ririchiyo but she does not love you in return, why not leave and find some one who can?

Do you not deserve to be loved for the person you are instead of who they wish you were?

[These suggestions were far outside of Soushi's comfort zone and he fully expected to be told that as he often had before but confronting these difficult, perhaps impossible to answer questions, this was part of self examination. ]

I've lived for myself for the last nine years before meeting her. It was an uneventful life filled with useless nonsense that isn't even worth remembering nor making any mention of. [But that wasn't the reason he choose the life he currently had.] I serve Ririchiyo-sama as a way to offer my gratitude towards her. Without her I would not have one, Leonardo-san. [And.] My original intention in meeting her was never to fall in love with her nor for her to fall in love with me neither. I simply wished to repay my debt towards her.

[And to make it quite clear to keep the other man from asking the wrong questions.]

I have no interest in them nor do I care. As long as they treat my master with respect, then I can easily ignore everything else. As for the idea of finding new love? I have no interest in the matter. [No, really. He isn't kidding over having no interest in the matter because it can be dull at times. Ririchiyo made it exciting by her genuine reactions from his antics. Reactions no other person has offered him in comparison. People generally fall on a pattern and said pattern bores him. Boring him was more than enough for him to end a relationship without any regret.]

For you she is your guiding star, but if that is so why did you not come to see her when she was here? This is more of your trying to protect her, I understand, but she was in no danger in Asgard.

[This next bit started to dig into the middle of the whole issue. ]

Would what happened to cause you to injure her ever happen again here?

[Now Leonardo's next inquiry will leave Soushi silent as he takes his time to think about it. There was a great reason he hid from her. A very important one. But he'll need to answer the questions one by one as a way to explain himself.]

...the Ririchiyo-sama from my world was unable to look at me without her eyes reflecting my previous incarnation's image...

[A short pause as he takes a tiny breather to collect her thoughts.]

If I had appear before the Ririchiyo-sama, the one you met and interacted with, then she would have seen me in the same way. [After all.] The Ririchiyo-sama you met was one from a different point of time as my own. That Ririchiyo-sama is from a time where she was courting with the incarnation of myself that the Ririchiyo-sama of my time was chasing after...

[In other words, he didn't hide himself from her as a way to protect her, it was as a way to avoid the potential heartache he was going to feel. No. They were going to feel.]

[OH!

Oh, well... uhm... that was a pitfall he had not been expecting to fall into.

Awkward... ]

I did not know she was from such a time.

[Very awkward. He can see why Soushi wouldn't have wanted to hop into a situation like that.]

You were hiding then only to protect the friends you have made in Asgard?

It is to be expected. All incarnations look similar from one timeline to the next. An individual with a trained eye would notice the subtle differences between them.

[At the very least, he can tell the difference between all incarnations of those he has encountered in his current life. He had seen Natsume as well as his master once before.

Now, as for Leonardo's next question over the reason he had hid, Soushi will remind silent until he says:]

More or less. [After all.] I was protecting all those surrounding me more than the small number of individuals I have supposedly befriended. [In other words, he was protecting everyone, but his friends especially. He's too embarrassed to admit it...]

Supposedly befriended...

Your way with words, Soushi.

[He wasn't sure if he should be amused or offended at being one of those 'supposedly befriended'. ]

Do you not think being more honest with your feelings would be wise? You would not have needed to hide at all if you had only told us what was going on. And if you do like someone, consider them a friend, do not 'supposedly befriend' them. Would that be so difficult?

You're not part of the "supposedly befriended" group, Leonardo-san. [More like...] Whenever I say "supposedly befriended" I am speaking of those who have decided I am their friend without my consent nor approval.

[His gaze will look away as he will admit.]

You are a friend. One of the few I have within this city and my own world. I simply...

[Again, he will take a deep breath as he admits.]

Do not care for anyone else. I do not wish to befriend anyone else any longer. [After all.] ...it'll be difficult to accept my lack of memory of those I hold dear. I've lived for a long time, Leonardo-san. I am certain there are many important people I have forgotten and no matter how much I try...I can never remember them again. [Pause.] ...I don't want to grow attachments, then forget them...the mere thought pains me... [And, really, it just hurts and friendship is so troublesome and he doesn't want any part in it because it adds more weaknesses. He is fine simply protecting the small group that he already holds dear even if his small group has their own group of people that can protect them better than he can. The thought alone made him feel envy as he hated the idea of sharing anything he genuinely cared for.]

It is difficult to lose people you become attached to... Just being in Asgard there have been so many who have returned home. I suppose once we are returned home I will forget everyone too.

[Not a happy thought at all. He would rather remember everyone too!]

But that sounds very sad. I do not like to think you are giving up on everyone just because you might forget.

And... it makes your hiding all the more problematic. If you would push away even those people you do consider friends, whether it was to protect us or not, you still ended up alone. That is very worrying.

...it's even more difficult when they're the sole individuals one is attached to...

[He has no one else. Other than his master, who might or might not be dead, he had no one else. There wasn't a single sole in his world that he feels any attachments or affections towards unlike in the city where he had two or three.]

Forgetting is one of several reasons I wish to remain alone. I do not wish to harm anyone nor do I wish to be a burden neither. My true nature is usually best described to be overwhelming.

[Overwhelming and possessive, at best. He wished, more than anything, to keep all those he cares for safe from his "wrath". He has been doing everything he can to suppress the urges to keep himself from capitalizing his most precious friends. He had a terrible habit in making certain he didn't have to share what was precious with others.]

...to be alone, it isn't an unusual lifestyle for me. I am accustomed to it. [And.] After what I have done to my precious master, the one I have the most affection towards, I no longer trust in my abilities to not harm all those I care for in this world. If I can severely injure her, then I can only imagine the harm I can do to you and other people... [He will look remorseful and frustrated as he admits:] I'm no longer safe to be around! Why is it so difficult for you to understand!?

Soushi I care about you. Maybe that makes me blind to who you are or maybe I am correct and you are too hard on yourself, you might be capable of more good than you believe. Either way I can not stop believing in you. I think there is a great deal of compassion in you and I can not see anyone capable of that as beyond redemption.

The real monsters are the ones who act with the intention of doing harm to others, the ones who thrill in the pain they bring to people. I have met men like that and I know you... you are not like them.

[Time to flip Soushi's question around on him.]

Why is it so difficult for you to believe you are worthwhile?

[Leonardo's words about being compassionate and being forgiven will leave Soushi stunned as he has never once considered himself to be as such at all. He was not compassionate. He wasn't even a good person. Even though he is not the type to feel any thrill in bringing pain onto others, but he can watch someone die before his eyes and not feel the least bit of remorse over it. He'll only pretend to feel it, only if the situation called for it. How can he be kind or compassionate if he was like that?

It won't take long for Soushi to answer or even think over Leonardo's question as he knew the answer to it just as easily as he knew the other answers about himself.]

...a worthwhile individual is known to be positive, valuable, and useful. I am neither of those. As much as I enjoy to act the part, I know deep in my heart I am not. I am the contrary of worthwhile -- I am lacking. I lack the basic essentials that makes one a good person.

[After all.]

I can watch a child die before my eyes without feeling any guilt or remorse over the matter. I can walk by someone who is in distressed without feeling the need to help them. I can even attempt to murder those I have known in my childhood the moment they're no longer of any use to me. And now I can harm my master without a second though while harming her emotionally before doing so physically. If you believe an individual like I just described is compassionate and worthwhile, then...we have a different viewpoint over the meaning of the word.

[And with a bitter laugh, he will easily add:]

...to place me in the same level as people like Ririchiyo-sama, you, Doctor-san, Morgana-san, Pyro-san, the Lady in Blue, Alice-san, and Ayame-san...it makes me feel ill... [He will lower his head in a humble manner when he further admits:] ...that is one of the main reasons I prefer to serve those type of individuals than ever consider myself in their same level. There aren't enough worthwhile individuals, so I wish to protect the little that do exist. [A pause as he thinks about it.] I feel the most at peace by their side...I greatly enjoy it... [And that was the truth, he felt happy being by the side of those he feels admiration and respect towards. If he couldn't serve them, he would feel empty again.]

[...

That was difficult to respond to. The words were true, painful, but... it did explain a great deal. ]

Soushi, I... do not like to pass judgment on people. I do not feel myself capable of deciding these things. That is for a higher authority than me...

I personally do not know that there is a 'right' way to live, and I would question the pedestal you seem to have placed me on, but you do not sound happy about this situation in your life. If that is so then you should work towards finding a way to improve. If that means being a better person or accepting that you can not be, then that is what you must do.

[Everyone deserves to find happiness after all.]

Despite what you have said I do still consider you a friend. I will be here for you if there is ever anything I can do. So, per favore, do not feel you need to hide from me. If it does come to that, where you might hurt me as well, I... will just have to deal with that when it comes.

Edited 2014-10-17 20:12 (UTC)

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004 | audio; D496

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