asgardeventide | 004 | audio; D496

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004 | audio; D496

[After having his bracelet returned to him, Soushi was having a difficult time readjusting to his current situation in the city. It was as thought all the memories, all the guilt, and all the emotions that were haunting him had returned at full strength; or, maybe, it had doubled in strength while he was grey. Whatever the case may be, he felt sick to his stomach. Very sick. But even so, he can be found sitting in one of the benches at the park, head lowered to the ground as he begins his latest transmission.]

...it would seem I have returned from the grey spell. I am uncertain over the length of time I had vanished, but it feels as thought it was a while... [There will be a pause before he admits.] ...my chest hurts, and I currently feel nauseous...

[Then there will be silence as he tries to find a neutral tone to his voice. Allowing his more formal tone of voice to return instead of the hollow and quite voice he was currently offering.]

What are the latest developments that has occurred or is occurring within the city? I haven't had the time to check the network as I....returned at this very moment. I would greatly appreciate to be told the latest news as I feel under the weather. [Then another pause until he remembers.] ...I won't skip my shift with the city patrol tonight, no matter how ill I currently feel...[He needed something to keep his mind off his current troubles and feelings. He wishes to ignore them as long as he is able to. That's why his job in patrolling the city was so important to him.

As he thought about his next set of words, there will be a long moment of silence as Soushi was uncertain over many things. He isn't certain if it was the guilt, current demeanor, or lack of readjusting to his current environment as he felt the need to ask an important question pertaining to friendship and self-worth. It was a question he has had in the back of his mind ever since he spoke to Jane about it. Honestly, he would normally never ask or even allow himself to be bothered by it, and yet he was. It was all so odd to feel like this.]

Before I end this transmission and if there is anyone still listening -- if you are, then I thank you for doing so -- I have a final inquiry to make. [A pause as he takes a deep breath before deciding to say.] Does an individual who has committed a heinous crime deserve to have friends even if they committed said crime in their home world and without meaning to? Would it be for the best for that individual to isolate themselves as punishment in this world? Would it be proper for that individual to cut all ties with all those surrounding him?

[And without saying anything else, he will end the transmission with a simple "thank you" as he no longer had the strength to keep speaking any more as he felt he would lose his stomach or himself as he thought about his master.]

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[OH!

Oh, well... uhm... that was a pitfall he had not been expecting to fall into.

Awkward... ]

I did not know she was from such a time.

[Very awkward. He can see why Soushi wouldn't have wanted to hop into a situation like that.]

You were hiding then only to protect the friends you have made in Asgard?

It is to be expected. All incarnations look similar from one timeline to the next. An individual with a trained eye would notice the subtle differences between them.

[At the very least, he can tell the difference between all incarnations of those he has encountered in his current life. He had seen Natsume as well as his master once before.

Now, as for Leonardo's next question over the reason he had hid, Soushi will remind silent until he says:]

More or less. [After all.] I was protecting all those surrounding me more than the small number of individuals I have supposedly befriended. [In other words, he was protecting everyone, but his friends especially. He's too embarrassed to admit it...]

Supposedly befriended...

Your way with words, Soushi.

[He wasn't sure if he should be amused or offended at being one of those 'supposedly befriended'. ]

Do you not think being more honest with your feelings would be wise? You would not have needed to hide at all if you had only told us what was going on. And if you do like someone, consider them a friend, do not 'supposedly befriend' them. Would that be so difficult?

You're not part of the "supposedly befriended" group, Leonardo-san. [More like...] Whenever I say "supposedly befriended" I am speaking of those who have decided I am their friend without my consent nor approval.

[His gaze will look away as he will admit.]

You are a friend. One of the few I have within this city and my own world. I simply...

[Again, he will take a deep breath as he admits.]

Do not care for anyone else. I do not wish to befriend anyone else any longer. [After all.] ...it'll be difficult to accept my lack of memory of those I hold dear. I've lived for a long time, Leonardo-san. I am certain there are many important people I have forgotten and no matter how much I try...I can never remember them again. [Pause.] ...I don't want to grow attachments, then forget them...the mere thought pains me... [And, really, it just hurts and friendship is so troublesome and he doesn't want any part in it because it adds more weaknesses. He is fine simply protecting the small group that he already holds dear even if his small group has their own group of people that can protect them better than he can. The thought alone made him feel envy as he hated the idea of sharing anything he genuinely cared for.]

It is difficult to lose people you become attached to... Just being in Asgard there have been so many who have returned home. I suppose once we are returned home I will forget everyone too.

[Not a happy thought at all. He would rather remember everyone too!]

But that sounds very sad. I do not like to think you are giving up on everyone just because you might forget.

And... it makes your hiding all the more problematic. If you would push away even those people you do consider friends, whether it was to protect us or not, you still ended up alone. That is very worrying.

...it's even more difficult when they're the sole individuals one is attached to...

[He has no one else. Other than his master, who might or might not be dead, he had no one else. There wasn't a single sole in his world that he feels any attachments or affections towards unlike in the city where he had two or three.]

Forgetting is one of several reasons I wish to remain alone. I do not wish to harm anyone nor do I wish to be a burden neither. My true nature is usually best described to be overwhelming.

[Overwhelming and possessive, at best. He wished, more than anything, to keep all those he cares for safe from his "wrath". He has been doing everything he can to suppress the urges to keep himself from capitalizing his most precious friends. He had a terrible habit in making certain he didn't have to share what was precious with others.]

...to be alone, it isn't an unusual lifestyle for me. I am accustomed to it. [And.] After what I have done to my precious master, the one I have the most affection towards, I no longer trust in my abilities to not harm all those I care for in this world. If I can severely injure her, then I can only imagine the harm I can do to you and other people... [He will look remorseful and frustrated as he admits:] I'm no longer safe to be around! Why is it so difficult for you to understand!?

Soushi I care about you. Maybe that makes me blind to who you are or maybe I am correct and you are too hard on yourself, you might be capable of more good than you believe. Either way I can not stop believing in you. I think there is a great deal of compassion in you and I can not see anyone capable of that as beyond redemption.

The real monsters are the ones who act with the intention of doing harm to others, the ones who thrill in the pain they bring to people. I have met men like that and I know you... you are not like them.

[Time to flip Soushi's question around on him.]

Why is it so difficult for you to believe you are worthwhile?

[Leonardo's words about being compassionate and being forgiven will leave Soushi stunned as he has never once considered himself to be as such at all. He was not compassionate. He wasn't even a good person. Even though he is not the type to feel any thrill in bringing pain onto others, but he can watch someone die before his eyes and not feel the least bit of remorse over it. He'll only pretend to feel it, only if the situation called for it. How can he be kind or compassionate if he was like that?

It won't take long for Soushi to answer or even think over Leonardo's question as he knew the answer to it just as easily as he knew the other answers about himself.]

...a worthwhile individual is known to be positive, valuable, and useful. I am neither of those. As much as I enjoy to act the part, I know deep in my heart I am not. I am the contrary of worthwhile -- I am lacking. I lack the basic essentials that makes one a good person.

[After all.]

I can watch a child die before my eyes without feeling any guilt or remorse over the matter. I can walk by someone who is in distressed without feeling the need to help them. I can even attempt to murder those I have known in my childhood the moment they're no longer of any use to me. And now I can harm my master without a second though while harming her emotionally before doing so physically. If you believe an individual like I just described is compassionate and worthwhile, then...we have a different viewpoint over the meaning of the word.

[And with a bitter laugh, he will easily add:]

...to place me in the same level as people like Ririchiyo-sama, you, Doctor-san, Morgana-san, Pyro-san, the Lady in Blue, Alice-san, and Ayame-san...it makes me feel ill... [He will lower his head in a humble manner when he further admits:] ...that is one of the main reasons I prefer to serve those type of individuals than ever consider myself in their same level. There aren't enough worthwhile individuals, so I wish to protect the little that do exist. [A pause as he thinks about it.] I feel the most at peace by their side...I greatly enjoy it... [And that was the truth, he felt happy being by the side of those he feels admiration and respect towards. If he couldn't serve them, he would feel empty again.]

[...

That was difficult to respond to. The words were true, painful, but... it did explain a great deal. ]

Soushi, I... do not like to pass judgment on people. I do not feel myself capable of deciding these things. That is for a higher authority than me...

I personally do not know that there is a 'right' way to live, and I would question the pedestal you seem to have placed me on, but you do not sound happy about this situation in your life. If that is so then you should work towards finding a way to improve. If that means being a better person or accepting that you can not be, then that is what you must do.

[Everyone deserves to find happiness after all.]

Despite what you have said I do still consider you a friend. I will be here for you if there is ever anything I can do. So, per favore, do not feel you need to hide from me. If it does come to that, where you might hurt me as well, I... will just have to deal with that when it comes.

Edited 2014-10-17 20:12 (UTC)

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004 | audio; D496

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