004| Karkat Vantas| Video

[cancerousgeneticist]

[The video flickers to life, a close up shot on a young, gray face. Karkat fiddled off screen for a few seconds, seemingly unaware that the whole Network was watching. Then his orange eyes light up, and he stares into the camera, the look of surprise quickly fleeting and turning into the default pissed off expression.]

Alright, listen up. I got a story for you numbnubs, and pay attention and sharpen your pencils because there's going to be a fucking pop quiz at the end.

So I was walking around town earlier--yeah I fucking went outside, and if I hear one goddamn comment about it you'll be looking at a lifetime commitment of having your head shoved up your ass--I was outside earlier and I saw this bag in a dumpster outside of the living quarters. And fuck me sideways the bag was filled with movies! How eerily coincidental, if this wasn't the real world I'd think it was some sort of plot device. [he clears his throat, then leans out of the picture for a moment to pick up three battered looking VHS tapes.]

So I got these three that look the least nauseating. I don't know anything about them, so I guess I'm looking for a bit of a review before I bring them back to Nepeta and Equius' hive. Uhhh--[He looks at the VHS tapes, one by one.] We've got 'Deep Impact', 'The Lion King', and ....uh...'Romeo + Juliet'?

I guess I'm just wondering which one will make me hurl the least. [The broadcast ends abruptly with a sneer.]

Comments

[unrestrained]

Uh, duh. The Lion King.

audio;

[cancerousgeneticist]

Okay, but first someone has to explain to me what the fuck a 'Lion' is and why I should give a fuck about them. They look like giant purr-beasts? But I don't see why I'd get a kick out of watching a bunch of them romp around for...89 minutes, the box tells me.

video;

[biifurcatiion]

Eheheh I know you're jutht looking for an excuthe to watch the thappietht movie you can get away with without looking like you're a romance-obthetthed freak.

videoeoo

[cancerousgeneticist]

Okay.

One, fuck you. Two, I don't even know any of these movies. I'm a connoisseur of Trollian film, not this lesser species. I mean, yeah I've seen a few flicks here and there while hurtling through space on a chunk of rock. But not enough to know which one will suit my perfected tastes.

Also, three: I'm not taking advice from someone who's watched movies with John.

Audio

[samantha_grey]

...fuck if I know. The last one's a romance, though, and the last time I remembered, you reacted to anything on that topic like someone who was going to be physically ill.

audio;

[longwinded]

The Lion King and Deep Impact aren't too bad.

[Sorry, John is snickering right now.]

video;

[cancerousgeneticist]

I'll be sure to never watch either of those, then, thanks John for significantly narrowing my choices. You're a real life saver.

[bestestfurrend]

Let's just watch them allll!

[Video]

[fishdouche]

[He's almost tentative in his response, uncharacteristic for the arrogant fish-troll.]

Kar said I could come ovver an' wwatch a feww movvies sometime.

Maybe I could join.

[cancerousgeneticist]

...

maybe.

I mean if we have time.

...not that we have all that much else to do.

Oh yeah, I invited Eridan. Because he looked like he was going to cry if I didn't. So I hope that's okay?

[text]

[averagemedium]

Romeo and Juliet's good for some snark, at least. It's teenagers making comically bad relationship decisions, what more could you want in a movie to commentate on?

'Deep Impact' sounds like it might be 18+ though, just saying.

[text]

[cancerousgeneticist]

[He is quite tempted by this first choice. Bad relationship decisions that he can gwaff at? Sound delightful! However...]

DON'T WORRY YOURSELF INTO A FESTERING PILE OF ANGUISH, I HAVE THIS BEYOND CHECKED OUT FOR OUR YOUNGER AUDIENCES. DEEP IMPACT, UPON CLOSE SCRUTINY BY YOURS TRULY, IS RATED 'PG-13', AND I QUOTE: "for intense disaster related elements and brief language", WHICH, LET'S BE FUCKING HONEST, ARE THINGS I'VE ALREADY EXPERIENCED ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED TIMES TOO MANY.

[Video]

[comeonthensexy]

Ohh, the Lion King! Love the Lion King!

[Video]

[cancerousgeneticist]

Okay, so you've seen it. Is it yours? I did find it in a garbage can.

[intelligently]

[ Eerily coincidental is a definite ] You just found it?

[cancerousgeneticist]

Yeah. [he doesn't enjoy being interrogated by anyone, not even Terezi.] I was walking around outside, like I said. I haven't even opened them yet, though, so they could be a bomb or some other tedious shit like that. [The sarcasm is very evident with this one]

[kuramaless]

Movies?

I ain't heard of any of 'em. When're you gonna watch 'em?

[cancerousgeneticist]

Uhhh...soonish. I mean, once we get our shit figured out. Like today at some point, if I can throttle a good critique out of the imbeciles on the network.

[wasthemaster]

To be fair they're all varying levels of bad. [And more than likely Jade has made him watch at least The Lion King and Deep Impact. He at least knows the story of Romeo and Juliet though.] How much do you want to terrorize yourself?

[cancerousgeneticist]

Enough to dull the utter pain that is being in this fucking city.

Not that I trust your taste in fine cinema.

video;

[integrous]

W.. wait, you've never heard of the Lion King before?! That's practically a classic!

[ Apparently someone here is passionate about it.. ]

video

[cancerousgeneticist]

No, sorry, I'm not a fucking expert on human cinema, sorry. I've been too busy living my own goddamn, sorry excuse for a life, when I clearly should have been watching presumably animated children's films from another planet.

video

[holyfight]

Deep Impact is pretty good! But Romeo + Juliet is really pretty!

video

[cancerousgeneticist]

[he looks unimpressed] Pretty? Please, explain further.

[video]

[not_a_troll]

You promise us a pop quiz, but there is no pop quiz in sight.

Re: [video]

[cancerousgeneticist]

You're right, sorry for crushing your poor tender soul. Here, I made one just for you:

What do I want you to do? If you guessed 'fuck off' you're right! You win a nod of dismal approval and the knowledge that I hate you.