asgardeventide | 05 - Video of Equius Zahhak Sucking at Advertising

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05 - Video of Equius Zahhak Sucking at Advertising

[Behold, it's a young, snaggle-toothed, gray-skinned guy in a black and blue tank-top wearing shades past sunset, one of his horns broken already. A few of you know him as the creepy afficianado of all things vaguely related to towels and archery. It's debatable whether or not he's particularly well-suited for either of these things, if we're being honest.

However, at the moment, there's grease smudges over his face and hands as he's wiping them off on a filthy looking towel. In the distance, a mewing sound that's vaguely humanoid can be heard.]

Yes, yes. I will inform the collective troglodytes and unwashed masses of this venture. Yes, that is a completely appropriate way to refer to them. They do not bathe nearly often enough and most of them do not have nearly enough towels.

[He sighs and grunts, half aware that he is already broadcasting and starting to sweat. He mops his forehead with the towel.

...

This just gets more grease smudges on him.]

As my employee Nepeta reminds me, it is wise to advertise the availability of new resources to some who might require them. I am Equius Zahhak, and this is Black and Blue. With the rise of such vehicular monstrosities as some of you claim to be accustomed to, I have familiarized myself with their inner-workings and the needs of the compressed detritus in liquified form that they require. [Pro Tip: He means gas.]

For all of your fuel and vehicular repair needs come to Black and Blue, where we will affix the necessary elements. Improvements and modifications are available on request, so long as I can get the parts. This world is incredibly back-water in terms of technologies, after all.

...

And Nepeta reminds me to say that there is plenty of ... candy in the front desk while you are waiting. She assures me it is delicious... repeatedly.

Come. I command it.

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[The moment he's done broadcasting she climbs onto his back, clinging to him.]

There, see! That wasn't too bad! ...except next time don't insult them to their faces and command them to come over. It might work a little better without that.

I am not insulting them. They are unwashed, and many of them reek to high heaven, Nepeta. I am only stating the facts!

[In a horrifically insulting way.

He sighed and then shook his head.]

I will try to remember, though, that they are not her Condescensions's subjects yet, and that I cannot go around ordering them as if they were rust bloods.

You're not saying it very nicely, and there isn't really any need for you to say it at all. We want them to buy from us! And they won't if you're not polite.

...and you shouldn't go ordering them around like that even if they were.

[She pokes him in the side a little. Silly meowrail.]

[He sighed again and fussed. This wasn't an easy topic yet. Patting her once on the head, Equius considered the matter for the ten-thousandth time in the last several weeks.]

It is our culture, Nepeta... our place. Admittedly, I suppose that I make exceptions for Aradia when she is about... even if part of me wishes she'd order me around again. [That solicited more mopping and he coughed to clear his throat.]

None of this makes the lowbloods besides her that good of an influence, though I suppose Tavros is harmless enough, even if that is half the problem with him.

Our culture is gone, Equius! Alternia is gone. We're the only trolls left and we can do what we think is right now. And you make exceptions for Aradia because she'd kick your butt otherwise and you know it.

[She huffs a little, making a face and rubbing the top of her head furiously against his hand like an unruly kitten.]

Tavros is pawesome. He gave me the nicest welcome when he found out I was here and was really glad to see me. He's one of the best of my friends and stop complaining that he's harmless. You'd like it a lot less if he wasn't!

It is only gone if we allow it to be gone, Nepeta dear, and I think it important to keep hold of what we were as well. But yes... she would... wouldn't she?

[He almost sounded wistful.]

Tavros is ... acceptable, really. I simply do not know how to speak to him at times. He is always stammering, even now. It is better than before, though. Death seems to have helped him, though I would not mind some rage that knew its place.

Edited 2013-03-05 19:45 (UTC)

We're still who we were! I don't know that changing a little about what we were would be too bad though.

[She snickers. This is so going on her wall.] She would!

Talk to him like you'd talk to me! Be friendly, and listen to what he says, and don't mind the stammering. It stops happening as much if he feels like you're not paying any attention to it.

[He made a small space between his fingers to show a measure of distance just past a pinch.]

A little. Grub squirms, not lunges. But yes, grub squirms I can work with... perhaps.

I will attempt to be friendly the next time that he and I speak. Admittedly, there is not much that he and I have in common really. I think, perhaps, that may be one of the bigger problems. We just don't have that much to talk about.

[She nods a few times.]

Grub squirms are a good place to start! [To start. Hehe.]

I can think of one thing! You both like animals a lot! You could talk to him about horses and ponies. I bet he knows all about them since he can talk to them.

Oho?

Do you happen to sell these vehicles?

[Yes, Rider in a dune buggy. That's exactly what the world needs]

An' wwhat if I don't havve a car?

[He cocks an eyebrow, daring Equius to answer.]

...

That, at least, is thought. I could send him a message and we could speak of hoofbeasts.

[Yes, his introduction in the message would be 'I am told this is small talk and that you like hoofbeasts. Speak.' Really gracious...]

[bikes only, sadly...]

No, the gas and I repair them. I am unsure of the best places to purchase vehicular transportation.

I could attempt to repair your sensibilities, but that was always a skill that Kanaya was more gracious with, sea-dweller.

Yes! You could discuss all the things you like about them! There's a petting zoo here too with ponies, you know. Have you visited them yet?

[Equius, Equius, why. And yet she wouldn't be surprised at all.]

First of all, allow me to point out you are, in fact, in need of a new towel.

Second of all, you should wear a bowtie at all times.

Third of all, referring to other's lack of hygiene while there are smudges on your face is rather dumb.

[Yes, he is counting his fingers while he speaks.]

Fourth of all, could you explain the resemblance between Asgard's denizens and troglodytes? Is there a connection I am failing to see?

So I am. Thank you.

[He took out a piece of paper and drew on it, pulling a towel out of thin air.]

However no. That would simply look foolish, and frankly I would expect the unwashed masses to wish their ... what do they call them... grease primates to be covered in grease.

It is a reference to their general lack of proper culture. Most of them are overly energetic, uncultured buffoons.

[Note, he didn't say you yet, Loki. He was reserving judgment for now. This was what we call 'improvement' on the subject of his general judgmentalism.]

[Nope, in fact, he's going to his inbox later.]

We could... a petting zoo? With miniature hoofbeasts? Here?

[His eyebrows rose with a brief moment of childlike glee at the very thought of that. It was a rare sight in him.]

[She meant well, Tavros.]

Yes!! It's at the park! Someone told me about it when I first got here and I was sure you'd have known about it, but if you don't then we just have to go together!

I ... had been too busy with work for the last few months. I had not even noticed the park that much. It is the sea-dweller's territory as is.

[He considered for all of a moment.]

Yes. We should go and see this thing. Perhaps after work.

Pfft, we have as much right to go there as Eridan does!

[She gives him one great big squeeze of a hug.]

Yay! I'll go finish everything I have to do!

Don't talk to me about that crazy fuckin' rainboww drinker.

I still remember howw she attempted to 'repair my sensibilities.' By choppin' me in twwo.

I was given to believe you did have some sort of conflagration with her shortly before my death. I was not made intimately aware of the details, though rainbow drinker seems somewhere outside of my realm of familiarity with her.

Perhaps you could elucidate, sea-dweller?

Oh, naturally. I simply find him offensive to deal with as a rule, and a touch disturbing. He has, however, mellowed a little... a little.

[He nodded and returned the squeeze before setting her back, having gotten grease on her as well.]

Hmmm, what else is there to do for today?

Oh, how nifty!

[Allow Loki to clap his hands a couple of times for you, Equius.]

Is it a spell of some sort? Because er...color me most impressed!

[A pentagram? Runic magics? Loki taps his chin.]

Not at all, I think you would look dashing with a bowtie, horned stranger. Am I correct to presume you are not aware of your dashing looks? A pity, a bowtie would most definitely enhance them. I am sure your purring companion will agree.

[He smiles in a most friendly way.]

Yes, cave dwellers, I know. I think it is a rather grotesque comparison, though. They are a bit dull, but not uncultured.

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05 - Video of Equius Zahhak Sucking at Advertising

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