asgardeventide | [Video]/Action for Hel

[ Today's video post starts with lots of glare; sunlight streams directly into the feed through a window for several second until whoever's got the camera on shifts--apparently pulling their arms down from above so that they're held at an angle where there's just a view of the windowsill and their hands. Normal people hands with black nails and a lovely little midget wolf spider dangling between them. They'll twist upward so they stand parallel with the window, and as the spider taps at his hands to test the waters Kaz will start speaking like he's talking to someone off-screen. ]

Okay, so...I guess the first thing is glad t'see you're eatin' right. I mean you started off super-puny so I figured you'd be dead by but seriously, look at you. Totally fattening up there. Good work~ When it gets warmer I'll sneak some of the good stuff in for you. My treat.

I'd tell you not to pay me back but s'not like you've got anything I want. Your place is pretty empty...the other idiot that lives here can't decorate for shit. [ And while he carries on the little wolf spider will drop to his thumbs and start crawling around there, scoping out the large "O" he's made with his fingers to spin a web ]

So, rule number one. Always keep your legs up--right, yeah, like that. Up up so she thinks you're bigger than you actually are. That's the most important thing since as soon as she's on top of you that is basically it: no escape. Don't waste time trying to overpower her because you're obviously not gonna be able to do that. Just go in with your teeth and bite her as much as you can...wait no--first you gotta get up on her back make sure you're on top and then bite her.

When you stick 'em in go right for where she's soft. That's your best bet to give her as much as you've got. If you're lucky it'll be quick and you can get the fuck away before she figures it out.

[ CONGRATULATIONS ASGARD YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A SPIDER. That's what he just described....ye...p.......

GIVIN' ADVICE TO ALL THE ARACHNIDS. ]

You got all that Qhhth'ssqhk? This is important shit. [ YES HE ALSO NAMED THE SPIDER SHUT UP. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

..."Sir."

...Do you n-not like being called sir?

I'm not that old.

I-- I-I... I'm sorry! I didn't mean to imply you were old. I was just trying to be respectful...

Kaz. [ SO BLUNTLY ]

Then, a-ah... Kaz-san it is...? [SO RUDE.]

[ he's a gorgeous butterfly of social acceptance ]

Oh great, another jaypan--no, not "Kazsan". Kaz. Nothing else.

[he is going right into her poop list isn't he...]

J-- Jaypan... Right, um. Kaz. It's nice to meet you...?

[ yes and reading 'poop list' when it is like 2 hours past your bed time leads to awkward sentence readings ]

What's nice about this?? Why can't you jaypan people be normal?

[i would say i'm sorry but i'm not...]

The proper term is, u-um... Japanese. And, what isn't normal about us...?

The fact that you add extra sound to everything you freaking do! [ sobbing ]

...Right, ah. They're called honorifics. T-They're a form of being polite... [kaz you have no moe.]

[ moe owes him $30. ]

It's annoying. So unless respect means "pissing off other people" in jaypan-land cut it out.

[moe plans to waste that money in vegas and never give it back.]

I-I'm sorry, then... um. Do you not have a Japan in your world?

[ HORRIBLE. ]

What was your first clue?

[I THINK YOU TYPO'D "BEAUTIFUL".]

...Sorry. T-That was a stupid question.

[ BEAUTIFUL IS NOT IN THIS CONVERSATION ]

Juuuust a bit, yeah.

[NO IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU HAVE TO SQUINT TO SEE IT.]

I'll... s-stop wasting your time now...

[ LIES ]

Until next time then.

[TRUTH.]

Y-Yes... Goodbye.

[And, click! Way to make an impression, Kaz.]

[Video]/Action for Hel

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