asgardeventide | 004 | audio; D496

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004 | audio; D496

[After having his bracelet returned to him, Soushi was having a difficult time readjusting to his current situation in the city. It was as thought all the memories, all the guilt, and all the emotions that were haunting him had returned at full strength; or, maybe, it had doubled in strength while he was grey. Whatever the case may be, he felt sick to his stomach. Very sick. But even so, he can be found sitting in one of the benches at the park, head lowered to the ground as he begins his latest transmission.]

...it would seem I have returned from the grey spell. I am uncertain over the length of time I had vanished, but it feels as thought it was a while... [There will be a pause before he admits.] ...my chest hurts, and I currently feel nauseous...

[Then there will be silence as he tries to find a neutral tone to his voice. Allowing his more formal tone of voice to return instead of the hollow and quite voice he was currently offering.]

What are the latest developments that has occurred or is occurring within the city? I haven't had the time to check the network as I....returned at this very moment. I would greatly appreciate to be told the latest news as I feel under the weather. [Then another pause until he remembers.] ...I won't skip my shift with the city patrol tonight, no matter how ill I currently feel...[He needed something to keep his mind off his current troubles and feelings. He wishes to ignore them as long as he is able to. That's why his job in patrolling the city was so important to him.

As he thought about his next set of words, there will be a long moment of silence as Soushi was uncertain over many things. He isn't certain if it was the guilt, current demeanor, or lack of readjusting to his current environment as he felt the need to ask an important question pertaining to friendship and self-worth. It was a question he has had in the back of his mind ever since he spoke to Jane about it. Honestly, he would normally never ask or even allow himself to be bothered by it, and yet he was. It was all so odd to feel like this.]

Before I end this transmission and if there is anyone still listening -- if you are, then I thank you for doing so -- I have a final inquiry to make. [A pause as he takes a deep breath before deciding to say.] Does an individual who has committed a heinous crime deserve to have friends even if they committed said crime in their home world and without meaning to? Would it be for the best for that individual to isolate themselves as punishment in this world? Would it be proper for that individual to cut all ties with all those surrounding him?

[And without saying anything else, he will end the transmission with a simple "thank you" as he no longer had the strength to keep speaking any more as he felt he would lose his stomach or himself as he thought about his master.]

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[Well, don’t those words hit a little close to home? Not from her anyway but she was thinking about a certain someone back home about all that he had done for her and his friends.]

I don’t think any of those options are a good idea. As long as you know what you have done and are willing to commit to making a change, I think that’s all that matters. The important thing is to move past that and just...continue living your life as it is.

[Oh, a new voice. He doesn't recognize this individual, but he listens all the same.]

...the idea of making a change for what I've done, I do not believe there is any way to make up for it. I did not harm a random individual nor someone with little importance. If it were the case, then I wouldn't feel as guilty as I do at this time.

[There will be guilt the more he thought about the one he harmed in more than a single matter. It hurt to have witnessed the type of gaze she had given him before she...]

I must sound quite heartless. Measuring an individual importance with what I've done, it's no wonder she rejected me and never grew to recognize me for who I am -- the mere thought of my current self must have disgusted her...

[She wasn’t sure where he was getting at but if he indeed harm someone with malicious intent…]

Even so, that doesn’t change that you regretted your actions for what you did. While you will eventually face your consequences for what you have done, you will need to find your own way to find peace with yourself.

[At least, that’s what she had come to. While she never hurt or harmed anyone, the fact that she willingly broke away from her parent’s wishes meant that she will have to face her own consequences later on.]

No, I don’t think it’s heartless at all! I think it’s the opposite, really, but please don’t let one person’s opinion of you get to you. You are important no matter what they might say.

How can I accomplish it? Find my own peace, I mean? At the moment, I am having a difficult time imagining I can ever feel at ease with myself. Not until I...face the consequences of my own actions. I do believe I prefer it more than anything else... [That's right. He's frighten at the thought of living a peaceful life -- or as close to one -- in Asgard after what he's done. Does he even deserve to live in Asgard like an ordinary, temporary citizen?

No. He doesn't believe he does. Not at the moment, at least. He felt horrible.]

That sole person's opinion means to me much more than any other. She is...someone very precious to me. [However, he will admit:] Even if it is the case, she isn't the type to hope for the worst for anyone, not even her worst enemy. Ririchiyo-sama is kind and considerate in that sense. [He'll take a moment to think about it a little longer over what he was saying and what the other girl has said.] I suppose...I might be blowing everything out of proportion due to the guilt I am currently feeling... [Then a pause as another thought comes to mind.] Even if she rejects me, it does not mean she finds me disgusting or worthless, correct...?

[She thought for a moment. There was so much she wanted to say but her mind just kept flashing to Minato and Ryoji. How they managed to find peace within themselves, she wasn’t sure herself but she knew one thing.]

As I said before, I’m afraid that will be something you’ll have to figure out yourself. I don’t know what happened but I’m not going to ask for it either. I know you wish for the consequences of your action but don’t you think just simply telling people what you have done is enough? At least, I think so.

[Of course, Fuuka was always the optimist. She usually thought that people deserved a second chance in something. She might not know what he had done, that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to treat him without kindness]

No, I don’t think you’re overreacting, what you’re feeling is proof that she does mean a lot to you! And of course not! I don’t know her but she does sound like someone who is very nice. [But she still can’t help but wonder what happened though] So I don’t think she’ll think that way about you! No one deserves to be treated like that at all!

[All he could is listen to her and find her optimism to be refreshing compare to his own state of mind. If only he could easily think the same way as she did which was funny how he was once described to be the optimistic type. Then again, maybe he was optimistic whenever it concerned his master.]

...thank you very much for showering me with kindness. You are quite thoughtful. I only apologize for not feeling as optimistic as you do. [Yet.] I am certain I will with time. I only need a moment to rest and readjust my priorities. What a terrible time to fall into low spirits like this...

[If only he actually felt sympathy for a stranger as this young girl has. He really was the worst kind of human being the more he realized the missing quality within him.]

She means the entire world to me. [No.] My entire being, existence, and universe revolves around her. [So, yes, she isn't wrong to believe the girl he is speaking of is extremely important to him.] She is indeed very kind and very endearing. Everything about her is absolutely perfect. [And as he thought about her, the more he had to agree she wouldn't want him to continue punishing and alienating himself from everyone, but whenever he thinks about his master's kindness, his guilt begins to grow in strength once more. It was frustrating to feel numb while his chest hurt more than ever before. It was difficult to breath or even think. He couldn't rely in himself like he normally would.] ...even if she never saw me for myself, she still showed me kindness and patience. She showed me what it was like to have a true friend. She showed me what it was like to feel warm, excited, and playful around someone. I even grown to enjoy hugging and wanting to cling onto someone as tightly as I can... [He never thought he would feel a wide range of emotions: both good and bad.] I may not believe in the idea that I hold any worth, but I do suppose it would not hurt to reflect and evaluate my current situation. Thank you very much for reminding me of my master's personalty. I had almost forgotten it... [Guilt was a terrifying emotion that could so easily cloud one's judgement.]

[After all the trouble that Fuuka went through, she had to keep on being positive. After all, she didn’t want to disappoint herself and especially a friend of hers. The more that she could help people, then perhaps, the less pain that he would feel from protecting everyone back on Earth]

It’s okay, I don’t mind. I’m just glad that I can help somehow. With the war coming by, it’s only natural to feel that everything would fall out of control and keep on thinking negative thoughts. I must admit, I do feel that way from time to time but we just have to keep on thinking we can move forward somehow.

[Even though, it was difficult sometimes to know that when this war was over? There was a chance she was going to have to leave her friends behind. She had a promise to keep but still…

The more that Fuuka heard about this master of his, the more she couldn’t help but smile at him. While he can’t see it, maybe he can hear it through her words.]

It’s not a problem! I’m happy that you remembered what your Master was like! Whoever she was, I can tell she means the world to you. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have someone who was that close and especially when she showed you what it was like to have a friend around! I am kind of jealous that you two have such a close friendship where you can be like that with one another.

[Hm…] Mind if I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if I am prying but...I don’t know what your past before you met your master was [Although Fuuka does have a guess ,or rather, an assumption] but it sounds a bit... lonely?

...it's still unusual to feel the way I do. I would normally never make these type of inquiries... [He isn't the type to usually express himself the way he does and finds it out of character for him. Then again, he might have been feeling this way, but has simply been ignoring it until he could no longer feel the heaviness found in his chest.] I'm unaccustomed to losing my bracelet. It makes me wonder if these are the after effects of having returned...

[But even so, he didn't have time for this and didn't like the idea of wasting other people's time. He had more urgent matters to occupy his time with. He could always visit a therapist once the war is over and done with.]

I find it somehow unexpected to hear you say so. You do not strike me as the type to be without a few of your own. People normally grow close to the optimistic and thoughtful types... [Unless she was introverted, then it could pose somewhat of a problem, but from experience there is always someone who is the pure opposite who find their way to her type.

But then at her question over him having been lonely before meeting his master, Soushi will remain silent as he is having a difficult time finding the right words to use in this case. "Loneliness" was not a word or feeling he had learned after meeting his master. He was always surrounded by people, mainly women throughout his life, but he never once considered them to be of any importance to him. Ayame was the closest to him, and yet he didn't cling to her neither.]

I was twenty one years old when I first met my master. In my world, I have known her for half a year. It hasn't been a full year just yet. [However.] I have known of her existence ever since I was a child. [And luckily the young lady doesn't know his master is sixteen now. Thankfully.] ...so to answer your question over the matter, I will offer you an honest answer: I am uncertain if I have ever once felt loneliness. [After all.] Before meeting my master, I never once held the ability to treasure those who surrounded me as I had any interest in them. I could careless if they remained or left. I never made any assumptions or held any expectations for them. Ririchiyo-sama taught me those lessons, and to this day I still have difficulty recognizing it. [And if he looked back and really examine his life, maybe he has been feeling lonely all that time, but never recognized it. Whenever it came to emotions, he could recognize and predict them when it came to other people, but it was the opposite whenever it came to himself. Then again, he never has thought much about himself and his own needs. It was easier to be of use, that is all he knew and used at a regular manner as thought it was natural for him.]

But how is it unusual? I think it’s a part of being human to feel the way we do. While it is always a good thing to think on the better side of things, that doesn’t mean we don’t fall victim to it from time to time! Even if they are after effects of losing the bracelet… [Sadly, the young girl never lost her bracelet before so she wasn’t sure what these after effects were. Even so, she didn’t find anything wrong with expressing oneself in such a manner.

They were just what they were. An expression of wanting to feel validated. She wasn’t the therapist type, no, that was probably more Minato’s forte. She couldn’t read people as well as he did and ,even now, she wasn’t sure how to help this person out. However, she did have a lot of patience for people.]

That’s because I know someone who was like that. He too was a rather thoughtful person who simply wanted to help people out. While he had a few things he wanted to keep quiet, it’s because I learned it from him. [Before she met him, she was closed off from the world but not because she wanted to. It was more that she had no idea how to stand up for herself against people who wished her harm. And even so…

She had thought of herself as lonely. With parents who wanted her to be something she wasn’t and with no other people whom she could turn to? She was projecting a little of herself when wondered what his life was like. It wasn’t the best idea really.]

I see, I think I can understand a little better why you treasure your master the way you do. She did teach you some rather valuable lessons and maybe even a little bit more than you realize. [From the sound of it, she could tell that he did love her in more ways than one. It was a hard lesson to learn that love could have consequences but it didn’t mean that one can’t learn from it. Of course, she was probably going to keep that to herself] Even if you have trouble understanding it, as long as you’re trying to figure it out, then that’s all that matters.

[Then she gave a pause]

I don’t know if it will make you feel any better but back in my world? While I understood that I was a little lonely, I never really had any anyone back home that attempted to befriend me.

[Well, do those bullies count?]

[Unlike Fuuka, Soushi does not believe he qualifies to act human in any way as he isn't fully human, only half. His family made certain to always remind him of his place in their world. Needless to say, he doesn't believe it was wise of him to over-react or fall under pressure the way he did: regardless of being human or having the right to. Why can't anyone understand that he doesn't want to change nor does he want anyone to make him feel better? He simply wishes a simple answer over the matter if he should be allowed or not to be close to others even after committing an awful crime.

But whatever the case may be, Soushi has decided to listen to this girl further instead of losing his patience over the matter. He didn't want to lose his cool as it would be a sign of weakness. He can't show that side of his to anyone especially someone who doesn't deserve it nor know him. It's all he can do, really.]

...he sounds like he was a good role model for you, if you were able to learn so much from him. You're just as fortunate as I am in that particular category. [A pause.] ...we're similar in that aspect... [Although, he does wonder.] If I may be as forward to ask, is the individual you are speaking of your only friend? [Because his master is his only friend back in his world. The only person he accepts and would do anything for...]

I suppose so... [He guesses him trying to change on his own was more than enough, but yet it wasn't enough all at once. He was terrible at showing empathy. He can so easily watch a child die without shedding a single tear, he can walk by a drowning woman, and even ignore the helplessness of an individual pleading for assistance. He can ignore it all without so much of a glance. He knew that aspect needed to be change. It was simply difficult to do so when there is no motivation for it. One can go so long in trying to change before they grow bored or frustrated. That's why he had his master -- she help him take those first few steps to change.] I'll try to keep those thoughts in mind...Ririchiyo-sama would have wished for it...

[But at the admission of the way Fuuka's world is like, Soushi will simply listen and find himself feeling slightly envious of her. After all...]

You're truly are quite fortunate to have been in a world where individuals showed their true selves: indifferent and who follow their own self-interests. If no one attempted to befriend you, then you had nothing of value to offer them. [Unlike him. He was always surrounded by someone or a group of someone who their only interest was his position or gaining popularity.] ...in my honest opinion, it is the best position to be in as you'll be able to find honest and kind individuals faster than if you were in a position where everyone wished to befriend you as a way to gain benefits of some kind.

[And bullies definitely count as friends, depending on the situation, of course.]

[Fuuka might not know exactly what he had done nor did she know that he was only half of a human. Regardless of that, it didn’t change how she felt. Even if he might feel differently, he was still human no matter how he rejected that idea. She might have not noticed that she was being a little pushy but after a fight against humanity, she wanted many others to know that they weren’t alone. She was there to help them out.

Although, that in turn probably wasn’t the best idea. She did want to help people out but she also wanted to make sure that Minato wouldn’t feel the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore. And especially when he was here in Asgard with her.]

Huh? No, he wasn’t but he was the one who made me feel as though I could be more open with myself. Back home, I had a lot of issues with my family and I wasn’t sure who I could talk to about it. While I made many friends, he was the only one who help me take that step forward away from my family. [And even then, she felt a little guilty knowing that was breaking away from the family tradition. She didn’t want to be a doctor but she didn’t want to disappoint her parents either.

But if she had to break away in order to find her own happiness? So be it. It was selfish of her to be like that but what other choice was there? Even after she made her decision, she knew it was going to take some time for her to be her own person. When she felt the pressure to become something she wasn’t for so many years? It does take a toll on someone. Still, even with their own insecurities being pushed on her, she still forgave them. The problem now was moving past it.]

Well, I like to believe that if we did show others who we are, the world could be a better place. I wouldn’t say that my world isn’t that great, my friends and I have faced many enemies. Many of which wanted to use us for their own gain and sometimes, even because they just could. While we have succeeded, it had a cost. [Pause] We managed to lose two very close friends of ours but that’s why it’s important for me to keep on living.

I don’t want to disappoint them.

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004 | audio; D496

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