one order mark | day 457 | video

[honouraryfitz]

[The video feed opens on a twelve-year-old girl with bright red hair, a rather gaunt face, and dark circles under her eyes. She's working on fixing that, really, but it's been a long couple of days.]

Hi. I know it's been kind of lousy here for a while, but it seems like it's letting up. I got some sleep, anyway. I hope you guys did, too.

Anyway, I figured we should celebrate, and since it's basically summer now, why not have a bonfire? We could make s'mores or roast weenies and sing camp songs and stuff like that. It'd be swell.

So let me know if you're interested, and I'll start chopping firewood. [She gives the camera a grin.] And if you need some odd jobs done, can you let me know that, too? I gotta start making some money around here, or I won't be able to afford the marshmallows and stuff. I'm pretty strong, and I'm a good artist, and I don't mind getting dirty. So if you need something done, call me up, O.K.?

Comments

[honouraryfitz]

I dunno if we really wanna solve it, Hal. Hot dogs probably look pretty gross before they're hot dogs.

'Course I do. I love jokes. How about this one: Spike Jones was talking to one of his City Slickers, and he says to him, "Your hair's getting thin." And the City Slicker says back, "Well, who wants fat hair?"

[harderbetterfaster]

Has it escaped your notice that we are talking about consuming boss quantities of phallic meat tubes slathered in various foreign substances?
I was under the impression being a little queasy was part of the experience.
Ok, how many of those you got? I foresee a bright future for us in this industry.

[honouraryfitz]

Why would you eat something that'd make you queasy? Hot dogs are good, I promise.

Lots. I told you, I like jokes.

[harderbetterfaster]

Because it's part of the tradition of hotdoggitude.
Our ancient forefathers sticking sweaty beef^* socks in their gaping maws.
Sitting under the stars, pondering the wonders of the universe.
Unraveling its many mysteries.
And later, getting the runs.

Ok, lay 'em on me, sister.
Gimme your worst.
And I do mean your worst.

---
^* - ???

[honouraryfitz]

It sounds gross when you put it that way.

O.K., let's see. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

[...This'd be more fun if she could hear him laugh.]

[harderbetterfaster]

Everything's gross when you think about it the right way.
You just have to dream big and find the kernel of rotted filth at the center.
It's a heavy task, but I believe it can be shouldered between the two of us.

I am impressed with your dedication.
Do you have any in the form of puns?

[honouraryfitz]

Well, if you really want to...

Probably. I like regular jokes best, though. Do you know any?

[harderbetterfaster]

I know plenty of jokes.
But judging by the standard you've just set, you may deem them somewhat... esoteric.
I don't wanna blow your mind, over here.
I'm not sure I could handle the cleanup.
Cerebral splooge painting the walls ain't something I got the chops to deal with over here.
Not without a higher quality mop, at least.

[honouraryfitz]

C'mon, they're just jokes. [She gets a wicked look in her eye.] Unless you don't know any, and you're just bluffing.

[harderbetterfaster]

[Hal's reply is a very grainy audio recording of this. You're welcome, Rusty.]

[honouraryfitz]

[She hasn't even heard rock and roll, Hal, dubstep isn't anywhere close to her radar. Rusty doesn't laugh, just sounds perplexed.]

It's "White Christmas." What's wrong with it? Your record sounds like it's skipping.

[...Except worse.]

[harderbetterfaster]

On one level, the song is skipping like it's broken.
But it's actually easier to dance to this way, and took a tremendous amount of effort and technological advancement to flourish into the form you now here.
It is also, categorically, shit.
Which is the joke.
Told you shit was hella esoteric.

[honouraryfitz]

So your idea of a joke is making something lousy on purpose?

...Why would you want to dance to "White Christmas" anyway?

[harderbetterfaster]

Yes.
And why not?
Dancing is fuckin' rad.

[honouraryfitz]

Because you can dance to songs you're actually supposed to dance to. Like "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" or maybe "I'll Be Seeing You" if you wanna slow-dance.

[She makes a face. Slow-dancing, boring.]