⑫ | text and audio

[hypertoxic]

[ It starts with an idle thought. One in passing that sort of catches her by surprise. A memory - of Nakama, actually, exasperatedly telling her that Vriska had asked her to be friends during her first stay here.

She hadn't remembered. And at the time, it hadn't seemed that important. Then she'd gotten lost, and reappeared with Tavros right in the middle of the war, and...

Well, it had sort of slipped her mind. But now in the relative peace they are all enjoying, when she thinks of it, it sticks with her. She finds herself stopping to think about it, kneeling on the floor of her room surrounded by a mess of papers. It's weird, thinking about it. Having come and gone, and then returned, and gotten lost only to return again with another set of new memories...

She hadn't admitted it to anyone, but it had become a massive struggle for her. Keeping her memories straight. It was actually extremely difficult and sometimes if she thought about it too much it started to make her a little dizzy.

But she's got time now. She's got all the time in the world. So Vriska shifts her body to sit crosslegged instead, right there on the floor, and taps on her bracelet to pull up the holographic screen.

It takes her a while, actually. Ages! There is a ton of bullshit to wade through. But eventually, she starts to see things she recognizes. Old posts, old videos, old audio embeds. Conversations that feel like several lifetimes ago. This is the hardest thing to witness, bringing with it a rush of stinging bitter feelings she'd forgotten how to feel. She has to stop after getting halfway through that, memories old and new and in-between swimming so dizzily in her mind she feels like she might be sick or completely lose track of who she even is. Memory is a funny thing. So elastic and malleable. And when so much of it crowds in at once....

She makes it through. She finds more old conversations. Sam, and Riku, and Diva, and Ven, and Karkat, and .... Tavros. Diva's name pulls at something in her chest and makes her move on before she can dwell on it. Merlin and Nakama and Roxas and Jake and oh god Kaz FUCK THAT GUY and Rarity and the many versions of John and that creepy Johan guy and Kanaya. Oh god, Kanaya! She had sort of forgotten.

Vanitas. She finds Vanitas there, too, and it wrenches at her in the way she now expects.

Terezi's name, too, pulls at her when she finds it. It's a weird, uncomfortable feeling. All of this. So unfamiliar and strange now, belonging so much more to the living girl she'd been than the dead girl she was now. Mindfang's name - holy shit, Mindfang - stirs up its own uncomfortable if wildly different feelings, and she almost yanks her bracelet off in disgust.

It's not until hours later and night falls that she finally stops, and shuts the screen off, and stands. Aimless and lost in a haze of memories and feelings that somehow do not belong to her anymore, she wanders to her window, yanks it open, and half hangs out of it so she can feel the cool air. It helps bring her back to reality.

It's weird. It's so, so, so weird, to think about how far she's come and how much has changed. And it's that thought, finally, that prompts her to post to the network. ]

[ ANONYMOUS TEXT ]

What do you think it means to grow up?


[ Sometime later, audio: ]

( Locked to Sollux )

Hey. We should talk!


( Locked to Sam Winchester )

You around?

Comments

Text

[samantha_grey]

[Way to just open a can of worms, Vris. Of course, yours is this armada of struggles and trials along with back and forth between here and a whole hell of a lot of hell and growing up in your own world. It can't be easy, and none of it is known to the self-centered girl replying.

She'd spent eighteen years in the company of one person for three hundred and fifty or so days of the year. She had mixed understandings of broader cultural attitudes. She'd read about them, and when she'd fled home she had encountered some of them. However, growing up was an intensely cultural thing, and there were times when she wasn't sure she was part of any culture at all.]

I don't really know

Text; permanon forever

[hypertoxic]

Then why did you answer?

text;

[tumbled]

You know you're fully grown when you're able to appreciate what you've got, and can admit when you've been in the wrong.


...At least those are the kinds of things my father's always going on about.

text; permanon

[hypertoxic]

That's a pretty good answer.

Do you think he was right?

[Anon Text]

[superissues]

[This is deep, this is soul-searchy, this is totally not what Kon was looking for by way of a distraction.

But it is anonymous and totally unlike all the other issues plaguing him right now -- and Kon kind of wonders if he had more real experiences would he be more able to deal with this right now?]

From the point of view of the guy who couldn't grow up for a while there, I figure it's change. It's learning. It's being comfortable in your own head. It's knowing where you are and where you're going 'cause you know what you did to get where you are now.

[Permanon text all over the place!]

[hypertoxic]

Does it mean learning something specific? Or just in general?

What if being comfortable in your own head was the problem?

audio because text is impossible atm.

[wasthemaster]

It means realizing you get to deal with even worse problems than when you were younger, really.

well too bad draco. PERMANON TEXT.

[hypertoxic]

I had sort of the opposite experience, actually!

What happened to you?

text; locked

[biifurcatiion]

why the hell would we ever do that.

text; locked

[hypertoxic]

8ecause I have something to say, asshole!
Ugh.
Look.
It's important. Just hear me out for five minutes, alright?

voice;

[burping]

I believe growing up means something different for everyone. Perhaps it can mean not relying on your parents for everything. Or perhaps it is about learning life lessons and the world.

permanon text;

[hypertoxic]

If it's different for everyone, then how does anyone know when they've grown up?

video because what are other functions?

[medicus]

[Well this is something old man Gaius can answer easy enough.]

Responsibility would be the main one, I'd say. Towards yourself, others, and the path you're following.

dammit gaius. permanon text!

[hypertoxic]

What does it mean to be responsible?

[ video ] lmao that was a dumb title sorry

[clearwater]

[seth furrows his brow a little, thinking. it's a tough question to answer, and he's aware that he's maybe not in the most normal position to answer it; after all, seth had grown up all at once, at age thirteen, when his father had died and he'd phased and all of a sudden nothing was how it had been before.]

I think... growing up is just... changing how you look at the world. [something like that.] Kids look around and see everything in the world as it relates to them. Grown-ups look around and see themselves in relation to the world.

[he's not sure he's articulating it very well, but that's the gist of it.]

permanon text; HAH that's okay

[hypertoxic]

That's a pretty interesting way of looking at it. So a grown-up would think they're not so important, huh?

voice;

[emblazing]

To cast aside the thoughts and dreams of a child. To see the world for how it truly is.

permanon text;

[hypertoxic]

Haha. How does a child know when they're no longer a child, though?

text;

[magician_of_words]

What it means to grow up?

Hmm.

When you wake up and think of all the ways you've screwed up, but can still get out of bed and try again.

text; permanon!

[hypertoxic]

What, do you think mistakes normally make it hard to keep going every day?

text

[circuses]

growing up huh?? i want to get married and have a big frilly wedding dress and get 100 kitty cats and a cheetah!!!

[ There's a short pause before the next part arrives. ]

but it also means realizing when youre wrong

and taking on more responsibility

facing the music i guess youd say!! heehee ♡

permanon text also I am loling at this reply

[hypertoxic]

[ oh. my. GOD, regina.

Vriska actually pulls off a 2x facepalm combo when she sees this reply, and how sparkly it is, because fucking seriously?

S I I I I I I I I G H.

She wants to say she is seriously surprised Regina is even capable of recognizing that there is more to growing up than, like, a fucking purrbeast as a present and a matesprit, but that would give her away. Alas. ]

It's weird to read a semi-serious answer when it is covered in sparkles. Seriously?

Do you say that from experience?

[Same Filter]

[smartwinchester]

What's up?

[Same Filter]

[hypertoxic]

Uhhhhh.

[ A pause. ]

I don't think I ever mentioned this before, since things were kind of busy for a while there! With the war and gods exploding and shit like that. But I was having trouble with my memories of my first stay here. I wandered death for what felt like an eternity! To turn up here and suddenly deal with a second set of memories was pretty bizarre.

But I just sort of went back through the network. Everything I could find. [ A pause. She's being uncharacteristically hesitant - which Sam might pick up on as her being unsure how to feel about any of it. ]

text;

[deputychief]

Several components, I believe. Realizing that others' perspectives can be completely different from yours and yet be valid. Coming to accept that the world tends only to care about you as much as you care about the world. Finding something with a deeper meaning than personal self-aggrandizement to pursue with one's life.

It's open season for that sort of thing, isn't it?

permanon text;

[hypertoxic]

Huh. So what if you care, but the world doesn't seem to accept that you do?

For what? Questions like this?

text

[selfestheim]

That's a hard question. I think it's different from person to person. But if I know one thing for sure, there's a difference between growing up and being an adult. They're definitely not the same.

permanon text

[hypertoxic]

What's the difference?